Author: Bradley Kallas

I don’t know what’s worse: dreaming of something you can never achieve, or daydreaming of something better just to escape where you are. The daydreams our minds naturally gravitate toward seem twofold: They express a certain dissatisfaction with our current state; they also disclose a certain inner desire we have for something better. It’s a longing for some heightened state of being. Any daydreams I’ve ever had were derived organically. They weren’t some conscious intention I had for a certain desire.

I suppose that’s how daydreaming is similar to the dreaming we do at night: neither one is done with deliberate intent. It’s a mental expression of an inner desire. Those things could be an indicator of a true calling, or they could be an indicator of some more carnal desire. Are daydreams bad? Well, daydreams aren’t bad if the daydreams aren’t bad in themselves. Our mind needs to escape reality sometimes for the purposes of maintaining sanity. A little healthy reverie can be like a dose of medicine to our souls.

Daydreams are much of what our thought life consisted of in our formative years. We didn’t like the monotony of where we were, so our minds took us on a little vacation to relieve the stress. That was usually the case for me, anyway. Why suffer the doldrums of reality when you can go off into fantasyland?

I think, much like the dreaming our minds do at night, daydreams provide a way for our minds to work out certain dilemmas. It’s a means for processing through contradicting elements and paradoxes where we can’t quite come to a resolution through normal mental calculation. It’s a resolving of a question where logic isn’t at play, but it’s more of an emotional wrestling. It’s not a question of getting the numbers to add up, but a question of whether the numbers even matter. An emotional resolution doesn’t always make logical sense. You may not know how it’s resolved; you just know when it is resolved.
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That daydreaming doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a malcontent. Quite the contrary, it can mean you’re a very hopeful person. Your ability to daydream means you haven’t given up on a better circumstance; a better result; a better you. If you’re locked into the state of being you’re currently in—that’s when the daydreaming stops. You may have worked out all the scenarios in your mind only to come up with dead ends. All the paths to something better you see as being blocked off.

But keep up the daydreaming. Let the daydreaming commence. It’s that hopeful side of you that keeps you in the game. Maybe it’s the ‘X factor’ that means the difference between trying something new instead of not trying anything at all. If where you are isn’t good enough, then the thought of nothing better leaves you in despair. It’s that desire for something better that lets you know there must be something better. It’s the daydreams that help you get there.

…Let’s go deeper

Those things we don’t understand we usually ascribe to the basket of “bad”. And they probably are. But there’s probably more going on than our finite minds can fully comprehend. We tend to oversimplify things to place them within the realm of our own understanding. That’s just what we do. It’s our way to deal with the unknowable. I suppose it has some psychological originations and significance. But, again, I think I might be oversimplifying.

When it comes to the idea of sickness, it’s like a lot of things we don’t understand: we make suppositions upon suppositions and end up more confused than we were before. We wonder why some people endure sickness while others don’t. We wonder why the kindest person we’ve ever known is battling a disease while our caustic ingrate neighbor across the street is the picture of health. That doesn’t make sense in our minds, where we try to weigh all the rights and wrongs of the world in an effort to perfectly even out the scales of justice. How can one not deserving of pain and suffering be sentenced to endure it while the one who appears to deserve it doesn’t? Isn’t that not only unfair, but also just backwards?

I suppose that would make total sense if you only saw sickness and disease as a retribution or punishment for something. And it’s easy to picture illness in those terms. It appears, from the outside, like you’re being sentenced for some grievous offense, only no one knows what the offense is. But sickness doesn’t seem to care who you are. It will attack whomever it can. Just like rain falls on everyone; there’s not anyone who’s immune to getting wet. We all live in the same environment, therefore we’re all subjected to the same elements. That’s the reality we live in. While I do believe in an ordered world, and it’s all being orchestrated—I almost hate to say this—but I also believe you have to accept a certain randomness to it all. Things, generally speaking, happen organically and don’t always have a rhyme or reason. Maybe that’s why they don’t make sense: because there’s no sense to make.
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While this explanation isn’t probably of great comfort if you’re dealing with sickness, it can maybe remove some of the confusion that stems from it. If you’re dealing with sickness, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a bad person; if you’re in good health, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a good person. Clarity in this realm requires that we untether one idea from the other. That’s how we can see things as they are instead of making them into something that they aren’t. Sometimes we try to make sense of too much, and in our effort to make sense we end up confused. It’s here that we have to take a step back and look at the full picture. We have to consider the entire context of it all. And sometimes we have to relinquish our desire to fit everything into a nice neat little box.

…Let’s go deeper

 

Following the rules has maybe gotten a bad rap. Not only has it become the defining element of a dork, but it’s become the prime descriptor of the uninteresting and the uncool. I’m not even limiting this to our years in grade school. I believe this feeling still persists even as we grow older. Some of us might become better at following the rules as we get older; others just become better at covering their tracks. But even if we become better at following them, there’s still something always within us fighting against them. That rebellious tendency seems to always be there, even lying dormant. And the same perception of rule-following can plague our mindset regardless of our age.

As a kid, rules were seen as the enemy. They were the barrier between you and having fun. In fact, at that age, you probably thought that’s the only reason rules existed. Time and maturity eventually unveiled the true reason for having laws and boundaries. And even with that understanding, something within you wanted to shake your fist at the ruling authorities. You wanted to fight it even if you weren’t sure why you wanted to fight it.

Looking at some of our pop culture icons, you can see a reflection of ourselves and our general attitudes toward structure and conformity. You don’t even have to use modern-day examples. You can go back quite a ways and see portrayals on the big screen by big names such as Clint Eastwood or James Dean. While maybe a reflection of the cultural upheaval at the time, nonetheless, it’s sure that the attitude was lying beneath the surface and brewing for a while. Movies like Rebel Without a Cause depicted James Dean as a cultural misanthrope who epitomized what it meant to be cool. These depictions gave millions of teens at the time an image of self-assuredness to aspire to. But while he seemed to be certain, even he wasn’t sure what he was certain about. The self-contradicting nature of rebellion seems to be very much portrayed by the name itself. ‘A Rebel Without a Cause’ makes you wonder what he’s rebelling over. If you’re going to the trouble of rebelling, wouldn’t you want to make sure it’s over something important? But if you were to ask any real rebel what their cause was they would most likely not return an answer of much substance. It would just be something to the effect, “Because I can.” Maybe that’s why he was rebelling; he was just mad because he didn’t feel he had a purpose.

It’s hard to think of a time where you regret following the rules, but it’s much more likely that you can think of countless times where you regret not following them. Fun isn’t fun just because it’s forbidden. And coloring outside the lines can sound like fun until you realize that it creates a really ugly picture. That’s the main point of it all: what kind of picture is the entirety of your life going to paint in the end? Is it going to be a beautiful masterpiece, or is it going to be a jumbled mess because you couldn’t figure out how to stay inside the lines?
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…Let’s go deeper

 

 

 

There’s a qualitative difference between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy isn’t the same as empathy. Empathy connects on a much more personal level. You could say, on a much more visceral level. Empathy doesn’t wonder how something must feel; empathy knows how something must feel. Empathy makes an emotional experience the central point of understanding. It’s saying, “Yeah, I know how that feels. I know what that’s like.”

I would say that if I were going to talk with someone while going through a difficult time, someone who has been through the same thing is much preferred over someone who hasn’t. I would feel as though they’re carrying the load with me if they had an emotional understanding of the situation. And isn’t that the point of empathy: to feel like someone is helping to carry the load?

It’s something how support groups are always made up of people going through the same exact thing. They don’t put a bunch of people with different kinds of problems together. They place people who are dealing with the same thing in the same group. And in this, they’re not marginalizing everyone else, or compartmentalizing a group of people, but they’re using those same experiences as a starting point—as a point of healing—to let them know that they’re not alone. It’s a means to get people to open up. You’re much more forthcoming when you believe you’re in an environment where you won’t be judged. Understanding tends to burnish those sharp edges and barbs of judgment. Whatever you’ve had the misfortune of experiencing, removes you, by default, from your high horse of superiority. You’re no longer reaching for ineffective quips full of shallow advice. You’re not giving quick answers that bear no reflection in reality. You’re not giving answers where, maybe, some aren’t even being sought. You’re just lending an ear at a time where, maybe, words can’t even penetrate.
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But I also believe empathy is, at its heart, hopeful. It’s an acknowledgement of the power of two or more working together. It’s saying, “Let’s hit this thing together. Maybe we can bust down the enemy’s walls together. What we couldn’t do individually, on our own, we might just be able to accomplish together.” Empathy places you in the position of another person, and in that, empowers you to be a force in the journey. That is, if you so choose.

It may just be that all of what you’ve been through wasn’t just about you. It wasn’t just about you learning something, or appreciating something, or even seeing something. You may wonder why you ever experienced the difficulties you have in life. Even looking back it might not make sense. But it might just be that there’s someone still in the future, who you haven’t yet met, who needs to know they’re not alone. It may be that they need a point for the healing to begin, and you might be that one to provide it.

…Let’s go deeper

Intuition, to me, is having a sense of knowing without really knowing how. It’s knowing something is true without really consciously understanding how you know. But that can also be one of the most frustrating things: you might know something to be true—and that’s OK with you as far as how you know it—but as far as proving it to someone else, it’s an entirely different matter. You can emphatically state to someone else what you know, which elicits the inevitable question as to how you know, to which you respond, “I don’t know.” Quite frustrating—for both parties, in fact.

You can discount many things not backed by proof; you can discount something merely stated by someone on a whim; but don’t discount the value of something stated based on someone’s intuition. You’ve often heard the phrase “Mother’s intuition”. It’s a common term used for how a mother has a general sense of things which aren’t based on empirical fact. It’s a notion we easily dismiss in our modern “Just-the-facts-Ma’am” world. When you think about all the times she made a judgment call…..well, how often was your Mother wrong? Exactly. Your Mom didn’t always know how she knew, she just knew. Let that be a lesson to you: Don’t mess with Mom!

When I think about myself, some things I discover I know how to do, but I only intuitively know how to do them. It’s not because I have done them before; it’s not because I had read a book on how to do them; it’s just that I understand it intuitively. That might be why some engineers are so good at what they do. I would wager that some engineers, while very good at their profession, would grow frustrated when being forced to explain exactly why they do some things that they do. It could be that’s the difference between a skilled engineer and an average one.

It seems there are two types of knowledge: there’s knowledge backed by proof based on reason; and there’s knowledge which hasn’t been proven and is regardless of reason. Should we discount the one simply because it’s not backed by verifiable proof? Certainly not. It may, in fact, be the higher form of knowledge. Maybe that’s why it’s the higher form: it isn’t a lesser knowledge because it’s against reason, but a higher knowledge because it’s one that’s beyond reason.
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When you think about all the things you know, how many of them can you prove, absolutely? Are there some things you just have a sense of knowing, but don’t really know how you know them? If so, those are things that can be ascribed to your intuition. It can be a mysterious thing. It’s not always about facts and figures—this life. Some of the most important decisions you’ve made in your life might have been made based on your intuition, e.g. the person you marry, the career you choose, or the names you give your children. I’m sure you must be wondering how I know that; I just know.

…Let’s go deeper

 

 

Complete satisfaction is our ever elusive goal. When trying to find what you’ve been looking for for so long, you locate a few things to keep you going, but you seem to never quite get to that feeling of complete fulfillment. Are you like a horse chasing a carrot on a string? Not quite. It’s not a trick in this case. It’s a motivating factor for achieving a goal, but not one that’s unattainable.

Of course, there’s a balance between being a malcontent and some healthy level of discontent. The person who goes around grumbling about their circumstances signals that they’ve just given up hope, but the person who’s achieved some level of happiness has high hopes based on the happiness already attained. It’s kind of like the concept of eustress. If you haven’t heard of eustress, it’s a level of stress that psychologists believe to be beneficial for the average person. I know, you’re thinking, who wants to have any kind of stress? But there’s a big difference between feeling a little stress and being stressed out. There’s a difference between having a bit of pressure on you and feeling under pressure. It makes sense if you think about it. If you picture a person with zero stress, they must be living the Life of Riley: sitting at home, sprawled out on the couch with a bag of potato chips, and watching countless reruns of their favorite TV sitcom. No stress at all doesn’t turn out to be such a pretty picture. I suppose, in this way, eustress is a good analogy for having just a little bit of discontent—just a little bur under your saddle to make you a little uncomfortable, but not enough to cause you pain.

Sometimes that discontent isn’t because you haven’t attained what you want, but because you’re not sure what you want to attain. You don’t know what’s going to fill that need; you just know that it needs to be filled. And in the searching, you learn something about yourself: you learn what you only thought you knew, and you learn what you didn’t know you thought. That shiny thing that seemed so appealing at first isn’t so appealing once in your hand. Your true thoughts and desires are obscured in the pursuit of a false sense of contentment. It’s a learning process—finding what it is that makes one fulfilled.
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Expect a little bit of discontent in this life. If we’re not completely satisfied with what we have, it keeps us striving for something better. That discontent is a propulsion system that moves you forward. You don’t quite like where you are, so you reach forward to where you’ve never been. It takes a bit of faith to do this; you don’t entirely see the road ahead. You just believe that if you keep searching, that thing you’re looking for will be just around the corner.

…Let’s go deeper

A friend of mine and I play chess on occasion. He always ends up winning. Remember: I said I play chess; I didn’t say I was any good. To be fair, he’s actually a pretty good chess player. He seems to be able to think several moves ahead, not only to plan his moves, but to anticipate any that I might make. I guess this is the frustrating part for me. I wonder how he’s always able to beat me. It seems one of the reasons is that he has some sort of strategy from the start. I mean, I may have a strategy—an opening—but then it all falls apart after that and I don’t know what I’m doing. It appears that my own lack of planning is torpedoing me and the game is over before it even starts.

Strategies and game plans are the bread and butter of any successful enterprise. You see countless books on the topic, mostly geared towards entrepreneurs and businessmen. Not having a strategy is kind of like not having a road map for a long trip and hoping you somehow still get there. But it’s even worse than that. If you don’t have a map for a trip, you at least know where you want to end up; but if you don’t have a strategy for your enterprise, then it’s quite likely you don’t have a benchmark in mind either; and without a benchmark, how will you ever know when you get there? It’s tough to know if you’re a success when you haven’t defined what success is. By that metric, your business could end up a flaming crater and you could still call it a success.

So, having a plan turns out to be crucial. It gives you, not only an endgame, but also a way to get there. Success usually becomes such because somebody made a plan to get there. And by ‘there’, I mean they had a goal in mind from the start. And through steady plodding and working the plan they eventually find themselves in a solid position.
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Strategies can also make contingencies for failure—to help mitigate failure. I guess this is something you learn from playing chess. Failure in chess is something I have a lot of experience in. You find that if you have a plan in place in the event you should lose an important piece that it’s not the crushing blow it would otherwise be. You don’t want it to happen, but now you have a plan in place if it does happen. That’s how strategies work. That’s how strategies help. Strategies give you the navigation skills to maneuver around all the obstacles—to recognize the benchmarks—to see you becoming the success you envisioned all along. Strategies give legs to your dream. Many people have dreams—and it’s OK to dream—but unless you have a strategy in place…..well, it’s kind of like the dream you had last night of playing in the NFL: it has little chance of coming to pass.

…Let’s go deeper

 

There are always two sides to every story. Of course, some sides are more understandable than others. But in the heat of battle, understanding usually takes a back seat to the effort to win the fight. It’s of little value to win without knowing what you’ve actually won. If the other side leaves in a fit of anger without an understanding of the issue at hand, the purpose of the fight is moot. It’s just become a battle of wills rather than a wrestling over ideas.

The problems with seeing someone else’s side are inherent: we see our side clear as day but, as hard as we may try, their side remains somewhat murky. In fact, it’s so much so that we wonder, how can they not see things as I do? We quickly conclude that it must be due to some lack of intelligence. It’s easy to dismiss the other side if you can just label them as intellectual inferiors. But knowing the variety of viewpoints that occupy the kaleidoscope of ideas which represent the human race, it’s apparent that those possessing high degrees of intelligence occupy virtually every camp. What can easily be labeled as wrong thinking is sometimes correctly diagnosed as merely a wrong approach. Some might say, well, that’s the same thing. To which, I agree it can be. To make the distinction, one can easily be accused of splitting hairs. But the distinction is valuable in that it places the other side on the same level, so that you can now reason on the basis of viewpoints rather than demean the other side for not seeing what is so obviously apparent to you. The distinction is valuable because it points out an improper starting point rather than improper reasoning.

It’s also clear that some who are reluctant to believe the truth (that you know to be true) are simply just unwilling to believe it. Again, here, it’s not a lack of intelligence; it’s merely intellectual dishonesty. It’s an unwillingness to see what is clearly true in favor of whatever fits their preference. The reasons for which can be varied. Sometimes it’s a fear of changing their thinking, sometimes it doesn’t fit a narrative that they find appealing, and sometimes it comes down to simple old pride.
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One thing I’ve found universal: in order for me to have the chance of coming to the truth I have to be willing to challenge the truth I already may think that I have. As hard as it may be to believe, the possibility exists that I may be wrong. For those things I don’t have hammered down as rock solid and settled in my mind and heart, there’s room for open debate. But some truths are self-evident. To debate them is merely an attempt to placate the other side, or else sheer lunacy. We can be open to discussion without yielding the entire field of truth open for debate. And sometimes we can gain a clearer perspective if we’re willing to see the other side. As Paul Harvey used to say, “Now you know the rest of the story”.

…Let’s go deeper

Mercy is a valuable thing. It’s not only valuable for the person you extend it to, but also to yourself as well. By extending mercy to others, you’re also extending mercy to yourself. The harsh judgements we’re so quick to hand out are tempered by mercy; they’re tempered by the understanding of our own fallibility. It’s not excusing what another might have done, but it’s an understanding of what you might have done; it’s an understanding of the full weight of judgment coming to bear on that person; it’s an understanding of judgment from the standpoint of empathy.

Mercy understands context; mercy understands redemption; mercy understands a judgment that gives an opportunity for correction. While judgment is required to maintain any kind of reality, you find that it’s mercy that provides a path to redemption. It’s all about the end result you’re looking for. If justice were only about everyone paying the price for wrongs done then it would tell a much different story. That’s why justice allows room for mercy. It’s probably why judges sometimes sentence drug addicts to rehab rather than just sending them to jail. It shows a concern by the judge on behalf of the defendant. It’s of little use for him to just pay the price for his actions if there’s also hope of him correcting his actions.
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I think this may be best illustrated within the context of a father/child relationship. A father isn’t so much concerned with the child paying for the consequences as he’s concerned with them realizing that there are consequences. A father is more concerned with judgment as a correction rather than judgment as vengeance. It’s all about directing someone down the right path rather than keeping them from continuing on the path. Sometimes in the midst of it all this can be difficult to see, but we recognize its clear purpose only in hindsight. While we bore the weight of the consequences, we didn’t bear the full weight. It was a blow, but only corrective blow. It was a wave allowed to rock the ship, but not one to sink the ship entirely.

At the heart of all this is love. Love is a focus on the person instead of the punishment. Love doesn’t care what you’ve done; it only cares about the person you are, and who you’ll be come. Love hopes for the best, believes the best, and sees the best in you. That’s why it goes hand-in-hand with mercy. It’s not always easy to see the value of mercy. You don’t always ‘get it’, especially from a distance. You don’t see how important and life-changing mercy can be. But what probably makes you ‘get it’ the most is when mercy happens to you.

…Let’s go deeper

Why do we call things ‘The Latest and Greatest’? Is it because we think newer is always better? We certainly think so with our technology, don’t we? If you don’t have the most up-to-date cell phone, it seems you’re dubbed an outcast. I might just be then. My cell phone is 3 ½ years old. I don’t really see what the big deal is. It still works just fine. Even though the paint is coming off the back, it doesn’t affect the functionality at all. Some like to brag about the sturdiness and longevity of a certain brand, but none that brag about such things ever keep them long enough to know whether they actually are sturdy. They’re too busy looking for the so-called ‘latest and greatest’.

This endless pursuit to always be on the bleeding edge has to take its toll. If not emotionally, then certainly financially. I mean, a constant frenetic schedule of updating takes some financial wherewithal. If you believe that the newest is always the best, let me ask you this: Do you believe the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence? Yeah, take that philosophical question and ponder it for a while. In the meantime, I’ll think of another tired old colloquialism for you to digest. But seriously, it does kind of apply to the situation. Why do we feel the need to get on that hamster wheel of attaining something that always remains just out of reach? Or is there something bigger at play? Could our minds be striving to apply an external ointment—like a salve for our souls—that can only be resolved internally? What is the engine that drives our discontent and leaves us in a perpetual state of recycling items only recently acquired? Isn’t there something to be said for being content with what we have? Brand new becomes used in rather quick order anyway.

But even if the latest isn’t all that great, it’s clear that some brand names are very adept at convincing us that they are. They’re like the proverbial magician who gets you to look at the shiny new object while—not pulling a rabbit out of a hat—but rather stuffing all of your money inside of it. I’ll concede that at some point the technology has advanced enough that if you’re holding onto your beloved old item—well, now you’re just being stubborn. A 1952 Studebaker is just not the same as a 2017 Lincoln Continental. While advances in technology often lead to only incremental changes in the near term, they do eventually add up to a substantial difference over time. Sorry grandpa.
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Of course, in denigrating our drive to keep improving I also denigrate (somewhat) the progression of our society. Change is necessary in order to move forward. But, I guess I’m wondering, do we have to do it all so fast? Haven’t these people ever heard the saying, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”? I guess I had another tired old saying left in me. Well, I did say I’d think of another one, didn’t I.

…Let’s go deeper