Author: Bradley Kallas

Much has been made of the fact that nobody seems to have what they want in their governing officials, but it seems at the expense of being thankful for what we do have. Not that I think that should be our new bar for achievement. Excellence is never achieved by lowering our standards to the lowest common denominator.

If you’re looking to ask someone a question where the answer is sure to be a guaranteed laundry list of complaints, then just ask a random person how they feel about their government. On both sides, nobody seems to be happy. And it’s not that their distress is unjustified. They have some legitimate grievances. There would even be some agreement on both sides about what those grievances are. What’s that saying—‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend’? In this case, our common enemy would be the federal government. We can all—both left and right—sit around the campfire and sing a collective version of ‘Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me’. At least we could agree that something needs to change, even if we couldn’t agree on what it was (or couldn’t agree on anything else).

No matter your political leanings, there seems to be a consensus of dissatisfaction. Maybe that’s the goal of our highest ranking officials. Possibly, they all sit in their Washington offices with chests puffed out and say, “Well, it appears we’ve reached a general state of malaise and discontent in this country. We must be doing our jobs”—much like a parent who has managed to aggravate and alienate their irascible teenager. They might think, in error, that their measure of success are one and the same with whatever antagonizes the public at large. As much as I hate to burst their bubble, discontent isn’t a goal in itself. If that is their goal, they might want to aim a little higher.
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As easy as it is to be frustrated with those in charge, I think it’s important to remember that there are many in public office working to bring positive change that would benefit everyone. They do have noble intent. It would be really easy to write them all off as corrupt bureaucrats, but I don’t think that’s the case. The problems of a massive federal government are inherent: It’s so big that it takes too much force to move the levers of power, and reaching agreement on anything seems nearly impossible.

For all that we could complain about (and not that we shouldn’t let our voice be heard) I think it’s just as important to be grateful for all that we have. Over the epochs of time, this brief 200-year period has managed to birth a great nation in which we can be thankful to live. For all of its problems and deficiencies it’s the default nation of strength, power, and freedom. Countless others in nations less fortunate than ours would give all their worldly possessions just to cross our borders. Maybe, in realizing that, we might get a clearer bead on the solutions that keep moving us in a positive direction.

…Let’s go deeper

In my traditional understanding of things, and my tendencies for a black-and-white perspective, I think I often come to the mistaken conclusion that all persons within a particular group are in complete agreement on all points. Of course, I know mentally that it’s a ridiculous notion. I even know that within the average family there are a diversity of opinions on many topics. It’s easy to think two brothers agree simply because they’re a part of the same gene pool. But that’s clearly not always the case. Maybe it’s an attempt by our brains to oversimplify what we have difficulty intuitively wrapping our heads around. I guess that’s the definition of reductive.

But assuming conformity can be a big mistake. It’s a mistake on a personal level, and it’s a mistake in the aggregate. If you ask any husband and wife in a successful marriage about what they agree on, you would first get a wide range of opinions, but mostly—and on the important things—you would find they’re in agreement on the matters of principle importance. If you take it to a larger scale, the same would be true of any political party. One party is in agreement on the major points, but on side issues and matters of less importance they part ways and have cordial disagreements—well, maybe not always so cordial. But within that larger group there are subsets, and subsets of subsets, that have token issues and ideas they each promote while agreeing on the larger points.

No one group is in lock-step on every point, but there’s a general consensus without complete conformity. If you think about it, complete agreement on everything would be like a 1984 Orwellian dystopia where we all, like mind-numbed robots, marched towards our daily tasks without any diversity of thought. It would be a world without color, or variety, or personality—for lack of a better word.
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Not everyone has to agree with me on everything; I perfectly respect their right to be wrong. Just kidding. Truth be told, in order for me to have any hope of coming to the truth on many issues, I first have to entertain the notion that I could be wrong about those things. There is no changing of thought when you’re already locked in on what you believe. For those things you have carefully considered and judged, that’s OK. But even those you had to weigh and determine in the light of logic to see if they were true. I have to say, I think it takes some level of maturity to get to this point—where you respect and value others even if they don’t agree with you.

If you find yourself walking, arms locked with others for a cause, you may not agree on everything, but you agree on that thing that matters. You find out that in life, on some matters of lesser importance, you have to agree to disagree, but you’re all still on the same team. You don’t have to check your brain at the door, neither do you have to squabble about every little thing.

…Let’s go deeper

Do you know the key to good social skills? No, really…..I’m asking. Ha—I kid. I have some social skills. They just may not be as refined as some. At least, that’s what my therapist tells me. But social skills are something of a necessary tool to have in your tool bag. Some people come by it naturally. Others of us have to work at it. Social skills are maybe one of those things we undervalue and, also, place too much emphasis on all at the same time. We undervalue it because we don’t understand the purpose that it serves; we overemphasize it because we are too concerned with what people will think of us. Oh, did I just say that?

In all honesty, it would be nice to dispense with all of the social protocol sometimes. I mean, why can’t we just talk to people without all of these barriers up in the first place? Just let your guard down and let it all out. At least, that’s what you think until you’re on a 3-hour plane ride when the person next to you proceeds to spill their guts and tell you their life story. It’s these times where we remember the value of having boundaries. You also wonder if you should make it clear you’ll be charging by the hour because, as far as you can tell, there’s no indication you’ll be paid for this session. But that tends to be what happens when people ignore the social graces. These kinds of encounters tend to push people away from each other rather than together. Those initial boundaries that normal social skills provide aren’t a barrier but more like a gate that allows entry when initiated correctly.

I suppose the problem arises, too, when we’re so concerned with societal procedure that it prevents us from ever entering the gate at all. Instead of getting to know people and the inner workings of their lives, everyone stays on the outside where it’s comfortable and safe. Far from telling our life stories and spilling our guts—no one tells any story at all. At least, not a personal one. Social encounter is treated like a shootout at the ‘OK Corral’: each person slowly saunters in a circular pattern directly opposite each other wondering who will be the first with the guts to draw that personal story out of their holster. Until then, the stare down continues—<tumbleweed blows through mid-scene> -AND CUT-
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I suppose it all depends on having the proper understanding of these sometimes dreaded social skills. See them as a gate rather than a barrier. Respect the other person’s space. Don’t unload on them too early and maybe they’ll respond in kind. Don’t despise social graces, but have a healthy understanding of what they are. Unfortunately, relationships don’t just happen. They take an intricate understanding of people and being able to read them. But they often start here, which is what makes skill with people so important. You don’t want to stay on the outside of the gate, but you have to at least start there.

…Let’s go deeper

 

 

Perfection seems like such a lofty goal, doesn’t it? It’s beyond lofty; it seems impossible. No one ever tells their kids they must be perfect in life, even if they might unwittingly, and in a misguided sense, expect it. But no parent ever says, “All I ask is that you be perfect.” Another way of saying that would be, “You don’t have to be perfect. Just don’t make any mistakes”. So, just make it seem like you’re leaving room for error without actually leaving any. Thanks.

Perfection is like an abstract concept: you really only talk about it so that you can understand the concept in an abstract sense—in theory. It’s kind of like the concept of infinity. If infinity does exist, how do you define it? Because if you can’t define it then it’s very difficult to discuss it in absolute terms. Say, I took the quantity of infinity, but then I added one to that, how much would that be? Or I added infinity plus infinity. You see the problem. The idea of infinity is batted about and pondered in the realm of theoretical physics and mathematical theorem, but holds little value for us in our everyday existence. But the idea of infinity can give us clarity and help us to understand the finite. Infinity in mathematics is known as an axiom. You can’t prove its existence, but you use it as a starting point to build upon for the sake of argument and to have a standard to compare to.
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I suppose perfection is something similar to infinity in that respect. It’s a concept in our minds but something that doesn’t really exist in reality. If you did achieve perfection, how would you ever know you had actually achieved it? Isn’t there always something that could have made it more perfect—not just what you did, but the way in which you did it? Perfection does give us something to strive for but it also gives us something to be nuts about. Meaning, we can literally drive ourselves nuts with trying to be perfect. As any of us who’ve lived a while know, that’s not very realistic.

So, the question persists: Should we strive for perfection? Well, I would say in the sense of us becoming better—yes. In the sense of driving ourselves crazy—no. Perfection is a good bullseye to aim for, but an unforgiving benchmark to measure yourself by if you happen to miss it. We get better, we improve, and we move on towards the goal of perfection. The goal is there even if it’s ever elusive. It’s not that it’s a bad idea; it’s just that it’s not a very realistic one. But if you’re intent on absolutely achieving perfection, I think you can attain it if you’ll answer this one simple equation: Infinity + Infinity = ?

…Let’s go deeper

Do we need to finish everything we start? It depends. On most things, I would say ‘yes’. Some would say you should always finish whatever you start. A compelling case can be made for that viewpoint. Then there’s the old ‘If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well’ meme. That’s always a tried and true saying. I guess I never bought into that one much. I feel like some things are just worth doing well enough so that you can get them over with. Kind of like taking out the trash, I don’t feel compelled to achieve any level of excellence in that task as long as the job gets done. You can debate with me on that one if you want.

But finishing what you start—that one sounds convincing at the outset. I know there’s a long list of things I could go over in my head that I’m certainly glad I finished: High School, Dinner—so that I could get dessert, driving home from the airport (If I hadn’t finished that, I still wouldn’t be here yet), and countless other things that we don’t even think about. If nothing else, it does give you a sense of accomplishment. You feel proud of yourself for seeing things through. And it’s good you finished many of them because it was that pattern of successfully finishing things that got you where you are today.

However, what if you get into something a considerable ways and you begin to wonder if it’s even worth your time. Kind of like reading a book that’s really bad, pointless and boring. If you’ve ever found yourself reading one of these books you begin to wonder, “Why am I reading this, anyway? I don’t really have any interest in this topic. Even if I did I wouldn’t enjoy it because the writer makes it about as interesting as watching cement dry.” I’ve even seen this question discussed on book reading forums: “Should you finish a book you’re not enjoying?” There seems to be a something of a consensus on this issue because just about all the serious readers on there have a DNF list. (That stands for ‘Did Not Finish’.) So, it seems there’s a case to be made for cutting your losses and moving on to bigger and better things. I even once held off finishing a 1200-page book I was only pages from finishing because I didn’t like the way it was going to end. I said to myself, “I can see where this is headed and I don’t like it.” Yeah, there’s a downside to foreshadowing. You authors keep that in mind.

I guess you could say that a person attains some level of joy in not finishing something if they know that it’s not worthwhile. If our only goal is to finish everything we start, then we can easily find ourselves wasting time on some meaningless pursuits. Maybe we need to qualify that goal. Maybe we need to change it to ‘finish what you start that’s worth starting in the first place’.
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…Let’s go deeper

 

 

 

Is the glass half full or half empty? I don’t know, couldn’t I just answer ‘yes’ to that question? That’ll really get the philosophy professors in a snit. “You can’t answer ‘yes’ to an either or question”, they’ll say. But I mean, both are right, aren’t they? People think they’re so clever sometimes when they present us with false dichotomies. Of course, I understand the point of it. It’s meant to be a reflection of how we view life and our perspective on it. And there is a point to it. We should draw the positives from life whenever we can. And sometimes, even if the glass were completely empty, we should be glad we at least have the glass.

I’m pretty fortunate. I know that. But I try to draw life lessons from wherever I can. In thinking about bad situations, my mind immediately went back to a time when I was in about the fourth grade. We had a bad winter storm which resulted in us being without power for about two days. If I remember right, I think we might have had a couple feet of snow on the ground after it was all said and done. So, as a result, we were also blocked in. We weren’t going anywhere, and we weren’t going to be passing the time by watching any TV. My parents, my brother and I were presented with an unusual scenario: what to do when a wrench gets thrown in the works of the normal family paradigm. Like animals in a cage, we couldn’t escape the situation, and we couldn’t distract ourselves with that reliable hamster wheel known as television. This required some inventiveness and creativity.
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What resulted were some things I’ll never forget. Our first concern was how to eat. While we had enough to eat, our normal means of cooking was out the window. Thankfully, we had a wood-burning stove. This would serve as our cooking stove for a couple of meals. I think we had some form of Cowboy meal. I guess it metaphorically represented our version of ‘roughing it’. I suppose our next concern was how to pass the time. Here, we didn’t disappoint. I believe we played some board games. Then, for some reason, we ended up cleaning a bunch of junk out of one of our closets. Mostly what I remember about this was that it somehow culminated in my brother and I plastering our Dad with ‘Mr. Yuck’ stickers we had found in there. Yeah, I’m pretty sure we’ve still got some pictures of that. When all else fails, pick on your parents, right?

The interesting thing is that what was a bad situation ended up providing me with some of my fondest memories of childhood. For a bad situation—if we were to make the best of it—I think we rose to the occasion. What we couldn’t help, we didn’t get all bent out of shape over it. What we could do to improve it, we placed all our efforts towards that. And if you can create some life-long memories, I think you’ve successfully made the best of it.

…Let’s go deeper

A struggle between two competing ideas or opinions inevitably causes a tension where both sides are immediately at battle in a war of words with the preconceived notion that each one has to assert themselves at the expense of the other. It’s an automatic zero-sum game, at least in their minds. It elicits an us vs. them dynamic. It’s a competition. Not that it isn’t that, but that’s not all that it is.

I happened to be in wrestling in High School. It was a great metaphor for life. And wrestling happens to be a great metaphor for the topic of this post. Beyond the usual lessons that wrestling teaches us about life—not giving up, giving it your all, and persevering in the face of adversity– there is much more that it has to teach us. Just look at the winner-takes-all aspect of it and you’ll miss a much richer, deeper, and more nuanced meaning. You’ll miss all that comes along with it. Not just the learning, but the understanding. It’s much more complex than ‘I won—you lost—YOU’RE A LOSER!’ As lovely a sentiment as that is, I don’t think it quite captures the entire spectrum of things. Our minds are automatically drawn to the black-and-white ends and we miss all that happens in between.

When I had to face an opponent on the mat, everything was a blank slate. I didn’t know anything about him and he didn’t know anything about me. But all that was about to change. In short measure—at first contact—I was about to discover what I was dealing with: “Two forces of will caught in an epic struggle that could impact the future of mankind forever.” No…..not really. Sorry, my movie trailer voice took over there for a second. It wasn’t that epic, although it seemed like it to me at the time. This event, for the next six minutes, would demand all my time, effort and attention. He was going to bring all his strength and skill to bear against me and I would soon learn how much skill and strength he had. This unknown—this unanswered question—was the predominate thought in my mind. I was wanting to find out what he was made of.
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But back up a second…..maybe I was trying too hard to answer one question without thinking about answering the other: what was I made of? Maybe that was what I really wanted to know. It could be that I was afraid to ask. That’s what this was about: to see if I could persevere and continue in the struggle regardless of the outcome. In the process, I would discover my opponent and what he was about—yes. But I would also discover myself and what I was about. We may even develop a mutual respect in the process.

Wrestling isn’t always about determining a winner; sometimes it’s about coming to an understanding. In fact, maybe it’s mostly about coming to an understanding. It’s about coming to an understanding about that other person, and it’s about coming to an understanding about yourself.

…Let’s go deeper

Those things that start out small can become much bigger over time. But the thing is that they have to start somewhere. I think it’s important that when we find a small positive spec that we build upon it from there. People that have managed to turn their lives around for the better did it because they were able to identify and grab hold of something good and progress forward. They made a decision: one positive input they managed to build upon that placed them on a successful path.

As the saying goes ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’—but it was eventually built. It takes patience and perseverance until you find yourself in the place where you want to be. It’s kind of a snowball effect. I don’t know if any of you have ever listened to Dave Ramsey, (He’s primarily a personal finance guru on the radio) but he frequently talks with his listeners about something he’s termed as ‘the debt snowball’. The premise is that in order to get out of debt you just take the extra money you have and pay off the smallest debt first. Then, with the same amount of money you were using to pay off the other debt, add to that the minimum payments for the next debt and keep making payments until that debt is gone. You keep doing this until all your debts are paid off. The idea is that you ignore interest rates because getting that one smallest debt paid off gives you psychological motivation to keep going. An interesting notion—I guess we all need positive affirmation to keep us motivated, but many people have used this method to get themselves out of debt.
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It’s interesting, I bet many of the people that have made the journey through their mountain of debt and successfully found themselves on the other side had great difficulty envisioning themselves ever reaching that place of freedom in the beginning. But the reason they were successful was because they didn’t focus on the size of that mountain; they just focused on what they could do and where they could begin to get out of it right now. It’s the journey of a thousand miles that begins with one step. I think I’m reaching my max on worn-out colloquialisms for this post. Anyway, there’s something about taking that first step: it takes faith, and it takes trust. It takes faith because you have to believe that you can reach your goal. It takes trust because you have to trust that a persistent daily execution of your plan will yield the results you want. This progress—this daily movement towards your goal—it doesn’t come all at once. It comes when a bunch of little positives combine over time until you find yourself in a place you can be proud of, and a place that has you firmly planted on solid ground. It’s a progression—sometimes a slow progression—but a progression nonetheless: it’s a progression of positives.

…Let’s go deeper

 

Trusting those in leadership can be a challenge, in no small part, and sometimes because of the fact that they are in a leadership position over us. It’s not even always that we don’t agree with them; we just sometimes want to buck the system. There seems to be a little bit of rebellion in all of us. Sometimes—maybe, just sometimes—we don’t want to listen because we don’t want to listen. Just ask our parents. They’ll know what we’re talking about. When asked, they’ll regale you with stories of your childhood when, by your own strong-willed behavior, you tried to prove you knew better as a two-year old than they did as experienced 30 year-old adults. I suppose that’s why we don’t ask.

Aside from our reluctance to take direction from someone else is also the fact that we sometimes—quite understandably—disagree with their direction. We just plainly see the situation differently than they do. We may even be right, which can be the toughest pill to swallow. In these situations, we don’t have to fold like a lawn chair. We can still stand up and make our opinions known. But the important mitigating factor is that we do it with respect and knowing that they are the ones in charge, and not us.

I can honestly say that there have been decisions made at every place I’ve ever worked that didn’t make sense to me. But truth be told, they didn’t have to. I was an employee and they weren’t my decisions to make. And as much I would have liked to think so, they didn’t have to listen to me. There may have been times when I said something, but mostly I didn’t. To be fair, what didn’t make sense to me could have been entirely due to the fact that I didn’t have the benefit of being in their position. I didn’t have access to all the knowledge that they had. Things look much different from 30,000 feet than they do on the ground. Honestly, there were some decisions made that really got to me. I just didn’t understand. But I didn’t need to understand; I just needed to do my job and trust the person in charge.
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But even beyond our desire to assert ourselves, I believe, lies an innate fear over losing control over the direction of our own lives. That probably scares us more than anything. That can actually be the thing that we’re really running from. All of the complaints about things we don’t understand or don’t make sense can really be just a smokescreen to hide what we really don’t like about the situation: the idea of yielding control to someone else. We like to be in charge. But there’s one important lesson we haven’t yet learned: those who became the best leaders are only such because they first learned how to be the best followers.

…Let’s go deeper

 

 

Failure happens often enough without us anticipating it from the get-go. At least, that’s how I see it. It seems that failure begets failure. We envision a failure in our future path down the road, so we pre-empt any possibility of success with the mere expectation of failure. It’s something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t know; maybe we’re afraid of being disappointed. We figure it’s better to get what we expect—even if what we expect is a dismal loss—rather than to get our hopes up and face the possibility of being crushed by disappointment.

But what a pivoting of things, and a flawed perspective: to make everything we hope and dream about our futures dependent upon whether or not we might face the possibility of rejection, a humiliating defeat, or a crippling loss—to make it a feelings-based pursuit or endeavor. Not that those things should be diminished or not considered, but the rub of it is that we end up making it about how we will feel, which precludes our own success. Isn’t it about—at the end of the day—becoming the best we can be, at whatever it is?

I remember a time where I gloriously anticipated my own failure. An epic fail, as it were. I was at the lake with my brother and his friends who were trying to teach me how to barefoot waterski. Ski without skis, that is. Of course, my love-hate relationship with water was something of a factor. While I could nominally swim, I never quite felt comfortable in the water. Interestingly enough, I have the same feelings about heights. Anyway, the common means by which they often learned to barefoot was off of a boom extending from the side of the boat. You would hang on to a short rope tied off at the boom. Starting off with a single slalom ski, the boat would—as it traditionally would with any skier—pull you up out of the water until you were successfully skimming across the water on this singular Kevlar plank, continuing to increase speed up to the mid-30’s to 40 mph, at which point you were supposed to remove your back leg from its boot and extend it onto the water. You are now essentially barefooting on one foot with the other still in the ski. Then, with a quick and sharp release you slip your other foot out of the ski and plant it firmly, but not forcefully, onto the water. You are now skimming across the water with nothing between you and your feet but a soft, seemingly endless, cushion of water. And no more pesky skis.
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That’s how it was supposed to happen. But I can tell you that’s not what actually happened. And as it turns out, water isn’t so cushiony at 40 mph. In fact, it feels something more akin to concrete. I made it as far as getting my foot out of the back boot and onto the water successfully. But it’s that final step of getting my other foot onto the water where the mayhem started. I have to be honest: I wasn’t fully committed to the process. I stepped in with the visions—not of stepping in and gliding across the water—but of face planting in a pain-inducing spectacle that would make even the barefooting veterans cringe. And that’s exactly what I did. (It so happens, there’s a correct way to fall. And I didn’t do it.)

Something that one of my brother’s friends said has stuck with me ever since. He said, “You stepped in expecting to fall.” As angry as I was at the time, I couldn’t disagree with his assessment. He was right. And he saw it better than I did at the time. A tepid anticipation of a foreboding element can be like a guy who parks his house on the beach at low tide. He can predict failure because he put into place all the elements for failure to happen. Then, when the tide comes in, he can say, “See, I told you it was going to flood.”

…Let’s go deeper