Author: Bradley Kallas

It’s tough not to say something when you disagree with somebody. It’s also tough to say something and risk offending the other person. Believe me, I’ve faced the internal struggles of knowing when to speak up and when I need to just shut up. Sometimes it’s a fine line we walk in finding a balance between the two. With my mild-mannered persona, it seems too often I error on the side of not saying anything. This is known as the go-along-to-get-along mentality.

At first blush, it would be easy to think that I often choose this route for fear of offending the other party. Admittedly, that’s a large part of the equation. And there’s a fear of confrontation involved as well—not that I care to admit it. However, there’s an aspect of my calculus which, I believe, has some merit: I don’t want to put myself in the position of having to retract some statement I made in error later on. Therefore, I want to make certain I would have grounds to speak up, and it wouldn’t be just me asserting myself at the expense of others. That’s where I make my decision to err on the side of caution. It’s here that I think to myself, “Does the other person have a point?” It’s a difficult thing to do, but you try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. You look at all angles to identify any points of contention and their validity. The downside of all this analysis is that it can get pretty tedious and you end up tip-toeing around the whole thing.

One thing I think important to remember is that you do need to stand up for yourself. Some of the ground you stand on—others will just take it from you unless you take a firm stance against them. Just folding like a lawn chair at any sign of opposition puts up a sign indicating that your land is free for the taking. It’s not even so much about gaining the respect of others, but just respecting yourself. If you do respect yourself, you’ll gain their respect anyway.
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Something else that rings true is that some battles just aren’t worth fighting. To take a firm stance on an issue that’s of trivial importance is not usually worth it. You don’t want to die on a hill that’s not really worth owning. You’ll get done fighting—and maybe even win—and then wonder what you’ve just won. In these situations, go-along-to-get-along might not be such a bad thing. But it becomes an issue when we do this on such a continual basis that we never stand up for anything. It takes some discernment to know when you need to make your opinion known. It takes some courage to learn to be indifferent to what others might think. It takes some wisdom to form opinions and present them in a palatable form. But at the end of the day, you don’t just go-along-to-get-along; you go along with what you must, and you get along as much as you can.

…Let’s go deeper

 

For all the import we grant to intellect, it sure falls short in some significant ways. One being: you can’t really know something intellectually; you can only describe something intellectually. I mean, intellect certainly has its place. It’s the basis from which we are able to describe things on the grounds of logic that can be measured objectively—that’s important. But when we pare everything down to a mere intellectual description, we’re left with nothing but a sterile narrative that can’t fully do our life experience justice. It’s a tool to describe experience, but it’s not the experiences themselves.

For all the accolades we grant the much vaunted ‘age of reason’, it sure seems to have left some reasonable assumptions behind. If we are to fully understand ourselves as humans, we should know that intellect is only one aspect of who we are. It’s an important aspect, but it doesn’t come close to encompassing the whole. If it’s all intellect, then emotions don’t matter and, especially, any spiritual components are left far behind. I suppose this is where The Enlightenment swung the pendulum too far in one direction. We have a solid history of doing that as the human race. I’ve come to understand something as I’ve gotten older: Never underestimate people’s ability to overreact.

I suppose some of this might be our need to simplify things—just boil ourselves down to the most basic components. But this description of ourselves is reductive, to say the least. We are complex beings. For all the things someone could describe to you, they can’t really come close to replacing, or fully granting, an understanding of that thing. A doctor could describe to you what becoming and practicing as a physician is like. But even with all the descriptive words he could use, they would still fall short. They would fall short in helping you understand the mentally taxing process of learning anatomy and biology from countless medical books. They would fall short in showing you the tiredness resulting from those late nights of study. They would fall short in describing the physical exhaustion of 100 hour work weeks in a residency program. And they would certainly fall short in adequately explaining the sheer joy of getting a diagnosis right which was able to help that patient to finally recover. None of these descriptions can adequately capture the highs or the lows.
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Certainly we can compare some other experiences to our own; empathy helps us in this way. This may be the closest we can come. However, there is no greater understanding of something than experiencing it for yourself. I know, for myself, that even if I had a million years to describe some experiences I’ve had to someone else I still couldn’t fully get that experience across to the other person. Some things are just that way. If we think all things are intellectually understood, then we’re sorely mistaken. Nothing beats the experience itself in order to gain a full understanding.

…Let’s go deeper

The wisdom we have as people has its limits. We can only act on what we know. One thing about wisdom—you can usually tell those who have it and those who don’t. It’s evidenced by their life. People just properly applying what little knowledge they know can get pretty far in life. When we witness those people whose lives are falling apart, it’s often because they have just failed to do what they already know.

It’s hard to understand why people wouldn’t just apply the most basic knowledge to their life on an everyday basis. It’s hard to understand why we don’t always do it ourselves. I suppose at the heart of it is a lack of belief that the things they have been taught from parents, mentors, or teachers are actually true. They know what they’ve been told, but they convince themselves there’s a shortcut—a work around—or that the truths passed down to them are just old-fashioned and no longer apply. The thing about true wisdom is that it’s timeless, it’s incontrovertible, and there are no shortcuts. Granted, sometimes we need to witness the realities of these truths before we start to believe them. That’s called learning the hard way. This is the stubbornness in us that causes us to wonder if a brick wall will really hurt—instead, we want to find out for ourselves.

That wisdom that comes from experience is valuable. It’s even more valuable when you can skip the experience yourself and just learn from someone else’s. These lessons get neglected in the young and disbelieving. Instead of wondering if you might be right, they wonder if you might be wrong. The inexperienced mind dashes off into peril as though there isn’t a great cost to learning these lessons themselves. In life, we’re playing with live ammo. You may get multiple chances, but you don’t get multiple chances with zero consequences.
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The thing that’s hard to deny is that just believing the truth you already know and acting on it will save a lot of time and heartache. You can start with a good foundation there. If you can’t resist the urge to test the reality of these truths, they don’t have to be tested in the science lab of your own life; you can test the reality by witnessing the outcome in the lives of others. The same outcomes happen over and over because wisdom wasn’t applied to the situation.

This basic wisdom of life is a good foundation. It can help navigate you through a lot of the circumstances of daily living. But even it has its limits. We, by nature, are limited in our understanding. We never know all the variables of a life decision. We can only act on what we know. Left to ourselves, we can find ourselves at an impasse. We are at a crossroads and don’t know which way to go. This is when some help from above is needed. And it’s there that we find the answers that we couldn’t have found anywhere else.

…Let’s go deeper

We form emotional attachments easily; that’s understandable. We are emotional beings. And we don’t even limit our attachments to other people. Sometimes we become attached to things. We become attached to a car we’ve had for a long time, our favorite sports team, and even our favorite coffee mug. When it becomes another person, things usually get a bit more complicated. But, whether it’s a person or not, these are good case studies to find out why some attachments exist.

Some unhealthy attachments are pretty easy to identify. For instance, you can usually tell the guy who’s become emotionally attached to his favorite team. He doesn’t hesitate to make it to every home game, dress like a nutcase for the games, and even endure public humiliation on national TV. He doesn’t even think about it. He is invested. But why is he so invested in this? I would guess that if you were to ask him why this matters to such a degree you would be met by an immediate outburst—cut off—and quickly followed by a blank stare. This is where his brain goes ‘TILT—CANNOT COMPUTE’. The truth is that he doesn’t understand the implications of his emotional involvement in this disinterested third-party entity. All the members of this organization, most likely, don’t even know he exists. He has no financial stake in this team. For all practical purposes, he has no reason to care whether they win or lose.

When it comes to people, the reasons and emotional involvement get even more complex. Things can become so intertwined that you have great difficulty figuring out where things end and where they begin. Many types of co-dependency can exist under the surface and don’t come to light unless fully examined. What we easily mistake for love is sometimes an attempt to fill a void in ourselves. That’s not to say love doesn’t exist at all in the relationship, but it’s not the only entity at play. There’s an undercurrent—appearing to be love—that is actually at odds to any real love that exists. It’s these things that, unless dealt with, can work to tear apart relationships and any legitimate bonds between the two.
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It’s difficult to paint all situations with a broad brush. There are multiple factors involve in each situation. But there seem to be some common denominators in all cases. Those unhealthy emotional attachments all seem to involve validation from an outside source, instead of from within. In the case of a co-dependency, they are built on a mutual need instead of a mutual bond. It seems unhealthy emotional attachments develop when we look to that other person, or thing, to provide something for us that it can’t possibly provide. You have an innate understanding of an internal need, but you are filling it in the wrong way. It happens subtly, which is why it’s hard to identify. But, when examined, these unhealthy elements can be removed and dealt with so that only the healthy part remains. It’s like removing the weeds from the garden: it allows the good plants to prosper and grow.

…Let’s go deeper

Our words we speak—what becomes of them? I mean, what do they do once released from our mouths? I guess what I’m asking is: what’s the overall effect of our words? They seem like such an innocuous thing—like just an abstract element that you would never think can have much of an impact. You can’t see words, you can’t feel words, and you can’t hear words. Of course, you see words as they are spelled on paper, or hear words as they are enunciated from someone’s mouth, and maybe even feel the reverberation of the sound made by those spoken words. But at the end of the day, those are just the physical representations of those words. In a way, words are kind of like the wind: you can see their effect, but you can’t see the thing itself.

When dealing in the abstract, it’s important to gain a thorough understanding of something that is hard to define. It’s very easy to take something for granted, thinking you understand it, when in reality, you didn’t understand it as well as you thought. Maybe, even, you only thought you understood it.

Words are a seemingly subtle form. No one gives them much thought. Maybe that’s why we cast them about as though they were just Nerf bats and balls that couldn’t possibly do much harm—or good. However, I think we neglect history when we dismiss the power of words. Revolutions began with mere words. Millions have been inspired with mere words. Minds have been either warped, or renewed with mere words—think of a speech given by Hitler vs. a speech given by Churchill. So, maybe words haven’t been given their due.

There’s an old wives tale—which we’ve probably all heard—stating that talking to your plants helps them to grow. It’s an interesting theory—not one that I’ve lent much credence. It could be something that was meant to make people lacking that green thumb feel better. Or, it could be that it was meant to make the same people look ridiculous or crazy—kind of like snipe hunting or cow-tipping. Yeah, if someone piqued your curiosity with those, I wouldn’t give much credence to them, either.
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While I doubt the premise, I like the idea it represents—talking to plants, that is. I think it’s a good active metaphor for the words we speak to other people. They do have a certain power about them. They can either speak life into them, or fill them with despair. Words have the ability to build someone up, or tear them down.

Knowing this about words tends to make us more mindful of the words we choose. It makes you want to use a little better filter, and it makes you want to be more selective. If I’m going to use my energy to convey an idea, is it going to be a life-giving idea? Am I going to make sure words that come out of me are ones that I would want to come back? Because, make no mistake—one way or another—they will, whether for good or for bad.

…Let’s go deeper

 

How do you know something’s changing? If you’re being challenged. Challenges are like that sharpening stone used for knives: they apply pressure and then start to rub you the wrong way until you get so frustrated in fighting back that, before you know it, all the rough edges have been knocked off and you end up better than you were before. It’s interesting to note that the most important changes in us don’t happen during the good times; they happen, most likely, during the tough times.

What do challenges do for us? We’re tempted to think, “Man, if I could just get rid of all of my problems that would be sweet.” But would it? Maybe our daily life would be easier, but would we be better off for it? I would reluctantly say, “No.” For all the difficulties that problems bring in our lives, they have the potential to bring about a much better version of ourselves. Now, how you decide to respond in this time is up to you. It can either make you better or worse. As is often said: it can either make you better, or it can make you bitter. The caustic personalities that result sometimes from going through hardship—however unfortunate—are the results of the decisions they made in those hard times, and not a result of the difficulties themselves. It’s easy to blame our problems. And many of them may not, legitimately, have been our fault. But we don’t have the luxury of which ones we respond to in a positive manner, and which ones we don’t. In every pothole on our path, we have a choice in how we respond. Our nature, at first, is to look for someone to blame for our problems. While there may be someone to point the finger at, it’s not the issue at hand. The issue is how we respond and make the changes that are within our power to make.
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Running from challenges can be like that knife running from that sharpening stone: it may be easier for the knife to avoid the pain, but it’ll end up leaving him as just a dull knife. It won’t leave him entirely useless. I mean, he could still be used to cut butter, but he won’t be the first choice for carving into that big hunk of chuck roast from a cow that died of natural causes. For that, you need a real knife—one that’s been forged in the fire, and sharpened to a razor’s edge.

I heard a scientist say one time, “If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.” This, from one who I believe to be a naturalistic-minded person. Pretty good, I thought. Sometimes spiritual truths come from the most unlikely of places. While not in agreement with his worldview, I give him credit for his words. Those challenges you’re facing—I invite you to view them with a renewed perspective. Don’t react out of fear, panic, and discouragement. Look at it with this thinking: “How can I respond to this in a way that would result in me coming out of it as a better person?” Don’t run from the sharpening stone; it might actually be the best thing for you.

…Let’s go deeper

 

I have to confess; I have a tendency to avoid risk. Yeah, I know—SHOCKER! But I don’t like going looking for problems, and if I can find a path that gives me the least headaches, then I’ll take that one. I suppose most people agree that they don’t go looking for problems, but the thing they’ve learned is that problems naturally come in a circumstance with greater reward. People who aren’t afraid of risk set their sights on the upside. To them, everything else is just a minor speed bump along the way. Those “problems”, so called to them, are just minor compared to the great endgame they have envisioned for themselves. It’s the smoothest path that everyone else travels, but it’s the road less travelled that has the most to offer. Also, you don’t learn much new on that well-paved highway.

I’ve heard it said before: a team learns much more from the games they’ve lost than the games they’ve won. I suppose that makes sense; it’s the losses that force you to become better. Sports are a good analogy for life in that way. Probably the most relevant example we can all relate to regarding risk comes in how we handle our money. It’s an axiom of life that we toe the line of investing enough for the future, while still having enough to live on in the present. Any financial advisor will tell a younger person they can afford more risk when they are young than they can when they are approaching retirement. The reason being a younger person having more time to make up for any losses on a higher-risk investment portfolio. Someone in their 30’s can tolerate more risk than a 50 year-old. Still—no matter your risk tolerance—I wouldn’t move forward on that ocean front property in Arizona. It might not live up to expectations.
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And maybe that’s another thing about risks: knowing which risks to take. When we’re younger we may be able to afford more risk, but we’re also more susceptible to risk. In our naiveté, we run our finances aground through uneducated decisions and, sometimes, the help of financial hucksters—who can even be well-meaning, but don’t have a clue as to a wise financial course of action. Things seem kind of backwards in this way. A younger person has the tolerance for risk, but not the wisdom of discerning risk, while an older person has lower tolerance for risk, yet has developed the wisdom through experience to discern which risks are worth taking—one of the paradoxes of life, I guess.

But know this: the rewards we receive in life are, most generally, directly proportional to the risks we take. If we take a risk in good faith, it’s not something to hang our head about in shame if it doesn’t quite pan out. The ones who didn’t take any risk are still back on shore. They never even ventured out onto the water. They may have a dry boat, but no fish in the hold. What good is a boat safe on land? You can’t catch any fish that way.

…Let’s go deeper

Everyone has morals, but everyone has a different definition of what that means. One person thinks something is immoral while another doesn’t. In a world where each person gets to determine for themselves what’s moral, what kind of chaos does that invite? Morals are important, but if they don’t adhere to anything, what good are they? Morals aren’t really morals if they are self-determined, are they?

However you want to define morals, it’s not the same thing as having a moral compass. But what is a moral compass? A moral compass are a set of principles and rules, outside of yourself, that your own life adheres to and are the determinant for how the actions of your own life are judged. Of all the possible metaphors, I think a compass is the best for describing what morals should be. The reason a compass is reliable is because no matter what direction you are traveling, the compass needle always points true North. It doesn’t change, depending on the weather, your feelings, or any outside variables. North is North no matter what, and the compass knows that.

Think about it this way: If I have a compass that only points in the direction I want it to, what good is it to me? I can pretend I’m walking East if I want to, but that doesn’t mean that I am. If the compass only points in the direction I want it to, then I could easily be walking in circles. Unfortunately, I think that’s what many people are doing with their lives, morally and spiritually speaking. They are walking along, and if one path seems okay at the time, that’s the one they take. Of course, they could take the same path on another occasion and determine that an entirely different route is the right one. It’s almost as if they don’t care about the destination; it’s all about the journey. Therein lies the problem: I think many people don’t think there is a destination to worry about. I mean, if you are just out for a walk, then it is all about the journey, and the direction doesn’t matter. But if you are on a journey with a purpose, then the destination matters, and the direction you’re going certainly matters.
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It’s reasonable to conclude that if we’re here, then we’re here for a purpose. We have something we were meant to do. To put it in the traveling vernacular: we have someplace to go. It’s not just random chance that you’re here. As much as your purpose for being here isn’t random, then you’re means for determining your direction can’t be random either. We all need a compass that tells us which direction is right and, just as importantly, which direction is wrong. Those things aren’t negotiable. I don’t navigate by creating my own terms along the way. I navigate because the terms are already set. I just have to decide how to best make my way to true North.

…Let’s go deeper

 

I’ve had it happen before where I was thinking about something that had me worried, and then through the course of time I became distracted and forgot what I was worried about. The only indication remaining that I was worried was that foreboding feeling I still had hanging over me—kind of like the after-image or after-effect of something bad. I knew I was worried, so I ended up wondering, “Now, what was I worried about again?” Then reason kicks in and I’m thinking, “Well, don’t try to remember it, you big dummy. You just got out of it and now you want to get back into it again?” How dumb is that?

It’s kind of ridiculous when you think about it. If I can’t remember what I was worried about, then it must not be too important to begin with. I guess you don’t consider it much, but in some instances memory loss can be a good thing. Those things that want to plague our minds with doubt and fear just aren’t worth hanging on to. It’s something how our minds can convince us that our objects of worry are worth our time and effort spent in mental rumination. It’s the proverbial spinning of our wheels—nothing gets accomplished and energy only gets wasted. It’s movement without a purpose.

But this above reaction to a forgotten worry treats it as though it’s a legitimate enterprise. It’s like I was treating it as a job, or something. The thing is, I was probably distracted by something else that was actually legitimate and important. Then, a moment after finishing that I return to my anxiety-fest, as if to say, “Now, back to my worrying.”
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If you really think about the mechanics of worry, it’s not productive. You can try to rationalize it and say, “Well, I’m just trying to come up with a solution.” But in reality, that’s not really what you’re doing. We can still develop solutions for things without invoking worry into the equation. Most of the time, when you’re worried, you’re thinking about all the worst case scenarios and how they all play out in your head. You’re thinking about an endless string of ‘what-if’ scenarios and how it leads to your utter demise—a kind of ‘choose-your-own-adventure’ of apocalyptic destruction. Only, in this story you never like the way it ends.

I’m learning…maybe slowly…but I’m learning. I’m learning how to come up with solutions without worry. I’m learning how to shut down negative thoughts—ones that try to bring up things from the past—ones that try to create and pull problems out of the future—ones that I can just detect right away and I know won’t do me any good. The problem with worry is that it doesn’t assist you in your problem-solving ability; it actually hinders it. You know, they always tell you not to panic in emergency situations. There’s a reason for that. It’s because it paralyzes you with fear. It makes it difficult to think. Worry is like that door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesmen: it tries to convince you that you need it, when you don’t really need it at all.

…Let’s go deeper

 

You may have heard the phrase before, ‘Old Testament Justice’. It’s not really limited only to the realm of the religious, but beyond, and into the scope of the secular as well. It’s something that denotes a firm and uncompromising hand when it comes to doling out a sentence or a response to criminal misbehavior. It calls to mind an unforgiving and harsh sentence coming from a judge who personifies those aspects. But what’s the proper way to look at justice, and is there room for anything else in determining a just response, whether ‘Old Testament’ or otherwise?

Most people in hearing just the words ‘Old Testament’ get a picture in their minds of a firm law, like the Ten Commandments, where they are as unyielding to anything as the stone they’re written on. It’s a picture of any deviation from the absolute letter of the law resulting in us getting squashed like a bug. It’s a tough environment to live under—one that evokes fear in our hearts and trepidation in our actions. But is that so called, ‘Old Testament Justice’? Is there still not room for mercy and forgiveness? Something, I think, that often gets missed in our ‘black-and-white’ minds is that just because something holds one absolute characteristic it can’t hold any others as well. Something can be wholly itself, while being wholly something else as well. They don’t necessarily lie in contradiction to one another. Instead of either, or; they can be both, and.

But isn’t ‘justice’ justice, regardless? Isn’t justice the same whether you add the modifier, ‘Old Testament’, to it? Maybe the term ‘Old Testament Justice’ is a misnomer, at least in the way most people think of it. What we naturally have in mind when we sometimes witness such a heinous act by another is that a swift, harsh response is best, and what is demanded by the situation. But even in these cases, there is opportunity for reflection and careful thought as to how justice should be carried out. A just response calls for the punishment to fit the crime. A just response calls for more than just an emotional reaction. A just response considers the context and entirety of the situation.
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For there not to be a proper corrective response to a wrong done is, in itself, unjust. But I would say to not involve any consideration for mercy within that justice is not fully just either. It would seem they work in concert. Thomas Aquinas made this statement: “Mercy without justice is the mother of dissolution; justice without mercy is cruelty.” So, maybe justice in the ‘Old Testament’ sense wasn’t any different than any other kind of justice. Justice is justice. It can’t change, otherwise it would no longer be just. If you don’t understand the context, you won’t understand the term. You have to look at it in its entirety in order to properly understand it. It colors our understanding of the world, and it colors our understanding of God.

…Let’s go deeper