Author: Bradley Kallas

If you have a good idea of your own self-worth; that’s a good thing. Having a good idea of your value and an approximation of who you are is healthy and necessary. As is apparent many times, not everyone has a good grasp on this aspect of themselves. They feel a deep sense of insecurity and need to fill a void inside of them. That void is a feeling of inadequacy. Often, this insecurity is expressed in ways to convince the world that they’re not insecure. But, they’re overcompensating. If they were really honest with themselves, and others around them, they would have to admit that they don’t feel like they measure up. Somewhere along the way they developed a flawed perspective and a flawed view of themselves. But it’s in how they deal with changing their view of themselves that can make all the difference.

One thing you’ll find in watching people deal with insecurity is that they deal with it in one of two ways: They either find a way to build themselves up from within, or they steal what they can from the outside to try to make themselves feel better. The first is the good and proper choice. It just requires a little work, and a change in thinking, and a shift from the negative to positive. The second is a destructive and unwise choice that doesn’t just negatively impact them, but others around them. It’s like a temporary salve on a wound that never heals: It makes them feel better for a little bit, but it’s short-lived, and they can end up feeling worse than before.
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What people often do in this instance is try to prop themselves up by putting others down. They don’t know how to—or want to—go through the work of building up themselves the right way. So, in taking a shortcut, they steal whatever emotional currency they’re lacking from someone else. They don’t even have to be outright rude to do this. They may just have their own subtle way of making cutting remarks, backhanded compliments, insinuations, condescension, etc. What they’re doing—regardless of their awareness of it, or yours—is making a withdrawal from your account and placing it into their own. Of course, it’s an unwelcome withdrawal—much like a bank robber. But what they don’t realize is that your money’s no good in their country. They can’t spend someone else’s emotional currency. They need to develop their own. That’s why this method never works. And, unfortunately, it does more damage than good.

My advice is this: First of all, if you happen to be one of these energy vampires—stop it. Secondly, if someone is else is sucking the life out of you, emotionally—don’t let them. Recognize the situation for what it is. If you have someone around you that is feeling the need to build themselves up at your expense, you can be fairly certain that it’s due to their own insecurity. If you recognize that’s what it is, it’s less likely to make a dent in your account. You can brush it off. Let them know your currency won’t help them anyway.

…Let’s go deeper

It’s fascinating; I see so many people coming up with solutions, but I’m not sure there was ever a problem to begin with. People sometimes seem intent on solving a problem, but they never bothered to ask the question: Is this really a problem? If you pay attention, you can start to notice some of these things. And when you start to notice them, it’s somewhat comical.

There are so many people trying to invent things today and, yet, very few of them become successful. One has to wonder why that is. I have a theory: I’ve come to believe that they discovered a problem that is so minute and trivial in scope that when they set out to solve it—and eventually came up with a solution for it—that it fell flat when it was released out into the mass market. People just looked at that invention and thought, “What would I ever need that for?” If you’ve ever watched shows like Shark Tank, you’ve probably seen a number of items like this. People come to present their idea and many times the investment ‘sharks’ will recognize that it’s not a viable idea. What’s inevitably happened, in the case of the inventor, is they become so focused and intent on solving something that they convince themselves it’s a great idea to the point that they become married to it. They kind of develop blinders. It’s like the way you think your wife is great—and she may be—but no one else thinks she’s as great as you do. That works for a marriage, but not for a product you want to sell to the masses.

Of course, some cases of bad solutions hit closer to home. We had an incident several years back at my work. Some item was missed during one of our shifts and—for some reason—management became convinced that the problem originated with our turnover process between shifts—when one shift comes in to take over for the next. So, in an effort to solve the problem, they came up with an entirely new turnover sheet for us to use. It was divided into several sections, each with a title to cover different topics, or areas of concern. This was in an effort to make sure we didn’t miss anything during turnover. That sounds like a really good solution, except this solution had nothing to do with the original problem. It was just a mistake made by somebody and it had nothing to do with our turnover process. All of us employees involved knew that, but, of course, it was no use telling that to management. I suppose, somehow, that solution made them feel better. And the unfortunate thing is that management can easily get wrapped up in that mindset: that they have to come up with a contingency for every eventuality.
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The fact of the matter is that you can’t plan for everything. Sometimes things happen—mistakes happen—that you could never have planned for. There’s a certain kind of hubris involved in thinking that you can control each and every outcome. It may make us feel better to come up with a solution looking for a problem, but that doesn’t mean it’s useful.

…Let’s go deeper

 

There’s something to be said for putting your own individual stamp on things. Everyone likes to have their own personality reflected in the things they own, the things they wear, and anything that represents them. I suspect that’s because we each like to feel significant in some way. Yet, we all try to fit into the crowd by wearing the same kinds of clothes, driving the same kinds of cars, and liking the same kinds of things. We’re kind of a bundle contradictions. So, maybe we want to fit in—but not too much.

I think, whoever we are, we all tend to walk this tightrope of acceptance and individuality at the same time. We desire to fit in enough to be accepted, but differentiate enough to express our own personality and significance. We want to make a statement that says, “Hey, I’m here to bring something unique to the table, but still similar enough to be relatable.” This expression of ourselves comes out in different ways. We might wear similar clothes but, somehow, put our own individual flair on it. This need to put our own signature on something comes out at an early age. Kids might get a brand new binder for school, but then plaster the front of it with stickers and drawings that somehow represent them.

This doesn’t really change as we get older. I’ve often wondered why we have so many different types of makes and models of cars today. I mean, are they all really necessary? Probably not. But what car companies know is that people want to buy something that is unique and special enough to represent them. It’s a kind of extension or reflection of who they are as an individual. If they’re going to be riding around in this vehicle every day, they want it to be an accurate representation of their personality. The make and model and color can all say something about them.
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And then there are some people who, to a surprising degree, are really not that concerned with fitting in. They just have that courage to stand out in a crowd and not care. It can be easy to dismiss these people as crazy. But I think they point things out to us that we sometimes need to see. They can give us a perspective that we wouldn’t always consider. Sometimes it’s the ‘crazy people’ that challenge us and compel us to move forward the most. They can get us outside of ourselves sometimes, and get us thinking outside of the box. Here’s a quote by Larry Burkett: “If two people just alike get married, one of you is unnecessary.”

However we address this sense of individuality on a personal level, it’s always about somehow making our mark. We like to be noticed. And we generally like to be noticed for something significant and meaningful. I think, deep down, it’s a desire to let it be known that we were here, and we were here to do something important.

…Let’s go deeper

It’s unmistakable; we live in celebrity culture. It’s what’s talked about around the water cooler, it’s what intrigues people, and it’s what many of us spend countless hours following by watching TV shows and, yes, binge-watching programs on the internet. Following important issues of the day aren’t nearly as interesting as following what happens next on your favorite program. It’s all about the celebrities and, unfortunately, the gossip surrounding them.

I suppose, to some degree, it’s understandable to want to come home from a day of work and just ‘veg’ in front of the TV. We need an escape of some sort from reality. But it appears we often want to disappear completely from reality and just melt into a fantasy world. And a fantasy world it is. For the people that get elevated to the status of ‘celebrity’ are never as great as most people have projected them to be in their minds. It’s inevitable; we give a kind of no-fault status to people we don’t know if they’re a regular somewhere in the media. We create an image of who we want them to be, rather than the image of who these people really are. We place them on a pedestal—many of whom never asked to be placed there in the first place.

But it’s not just the elevation of celebrities anymore. We’ve moved into the next step of societal evolution: now we each want to be a celebrity, ourselves. Today it’s possible. With the advent of YouTube, and the fast growth of other internet media, stars are created sometimes overnight. No need for a publicist, or agent—just a computer and a webcam and you can gain an online following that previous generations never could have dreamed of. So, we’ve moved from the admiration of celebrity to seeking that celebrity status for ourselves.
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But what is a celebrity—and why do we want to be one? If you think about those who have achieved ‘star’ status, you’ll note that many of them haven’t achieved anything more meaningful than even the most average person. In most cases, a lot of them are just famous for being famous. They do a job, sure, but on a TV show as an actor, a host, or maybe even a TV news anchor (I suppose that would be the most seemingly legitimate of celebrities). All these people are doing something, mostly in the entertainment industry—generally not creating a cure for Ebola, or making a scientific discovery to feed the world population. Regardless, we somehow feel the need to elicit responses and opinions from these people, as though they had some higher knowledge than the general public. But in the end, ‘celebrity’ is just a status for people with admiration they don’t deserve.

I find it interesting that many of those with a purely naturalistic worldview, based on mere random chance, have such an aversion to the notion of God, while many of these same people seem to be so intent and skillful at creating gods of their own. They easily elevate a mere human to the status of a god, but God, Himself, is not in all their thoughts.

I think a clear indication of our mindset can be determined by what we admire. If we want to be grounded in reality, we have to have a firm understanding that people are still just people: they’re fallible, they’re imperfect, and they’re fallen. Maybe we should just let them remain ‘people’. Don’t guild them with a shiny coat that only rubs off anyway.

…Let’s go deeper

I have this book; it’s called Own the Room. Yeah, I haven’t read it, but I’m sure it’s pretty good. It’s essentially about how to ‘Discover your signature voice to master your leadership presence’. At least, that’s what the book jacket says. But anyway, my take on it is: identify and develop your own voice and a leadership presence among others—largely in a business environment. I’m not quite sure why I even bought it. I don’t give speeches. I’m not in leadership. Nor, in any foreseeable future, can I picture myself in a place where I would be in a business leadership position. I guess my main reason for purchasing the book was my feeling that I was lacking the ability to engage people in a social setting. I felt like I was lacking that commanding presence.

I guess I was wanting to know how I could become that person in a group where everyone was just hanging on your every word—the life of the party, so to speak. Humorous anecdotes—and all that. It seems I’m the opposite: I have to repeat myself in order for people to understand what I’m saying, and that’s if they even heard me say something the first time. You feel like you’re shouting to be heard. It’s a frustrating experience. You want people to listen and take you seriously, but you can’t understand why they don’t, which leads to a further lack of self-confidence. It just snowballs and your insecurity feeds on itself. You find yourself at a neighborhood get-together, in the corner, talking to the neighbor’s cat. At least the cat listens. Or he appeared to. He might have just been eyeing that table of seafood-themed hors d’oeuvres.
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But regardless, I feel like it would be great to have that ability to draw people in. Some people just naturally have this ability. A friend of mine is like that. He’s naturally inclined to make a snappy and lasting connection with people. Of course, he’s in sales, so it kind of goes with the territory. He’s learned to inquire about people and get them to open up about themselves. I guess I never learned that skill. Mostly, I would say, because I always found questions from other people annoying. I know they say, “If you want to get to know someone, ask them questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves.” The first time I heard that, I thought, “They do? I hate talking about myself.” Most people would get two questions in with me and I would be thinking, “I don’t know! Stop pressuring me! Leave me alone!” So, I guess I could never quite relate. That universal truth never quite landed with me. I refrain from asking people questions for fear of annoying them, which, apparently, they don’t find annoying.

One thing I do know: making connections with people can be a learned skill. It’s not just some ability you’re naturally born with. You can foster an ability to connect with people if you just learn the skills. If only I could learn what those skills were. There has to be some place I could discover and learn the skills necessary for being a great communicator. If there were just some way I could leeaar…..oooh, wait. Now that I think about it, maybe I should dust off that book and read it.

…Let’s go deeper

Have you ever seen a baby, or toddler, arch their back in defiance while a parent tries to restrain them from having their fit of rebellion? Yeah, I would say that epitomizes the term ‘stubborn’. Children have the excuse of being immature and, for lack of a better term—I guess—childish. But what’s our excuse? As adults, we can easily display the same degree of insubordination. We just dress it up and display it in little nicer package.

Maybe that’s where we develop our passive aggressive tendencies—in adulthood. Rather than the outright temper tantrum of a two-year old, we take the more refined approach of letting our intentions and desires be known in more subtle ways. No one wants to show the maturity level of a toddler, but many of us are as intent on forcing our own will as that toddler. This is where our tactics take on a new dimension. We don’t arch our backs anymore. That’s so Pre-school. We are way beyond that. Now we imply, manipulate, suggest…..and cajole by whatever means necessary to bring our desires to pass. And sometimes it’s so stealthy that the recipient of this behavior doesn’t even know what’s going on. But our thinking is, “I have these wants and desires, and I will bring them to pass!” Not a difference in attitude, just a difference in tactics. In this way, we have no compelling reason to change our behavior…..or attitudes.

It makes you wonder: where did we ever get this notion that we should have everything we want? Certainly, unless our parents were of the type to grant us our every desire, we didn’t get if from them. It seems to be inherent from birth. We can all recall times, going back as early as we can remember, where we just wanted what we wanted. We didn’t care ‘why’. We didn’t care ‘how’. It’s just a laser-like focus on me. It’s that selfish nature rearing its ugly head. What comes across to others when we display this attitude is the importance we are placing on ‘me’. We naturally find it a distasteful attitude in others, but somehow excuse it when it comes to our own selves. When it comes right down to it, it’s an attitude of pride. It’s an attitude that says, “My will is the most important thing in the world, second to no one, or anything else.” But I would gather if we were granted a clearer picture of our self-focused attitudes, in the moment, we would be as disgusted by it as when we see it in others.
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This isn’t something unique to any individual, but is common to the human race. It’s kind of like an infection—it can easily spread unless it’s dealt with. It’s something we will all have to fight as long as we live in this life. Our selfish nature can rise up at any opportune time. But it’s not something we ever have to yield to. We can refuse to give it a place in our adult lives. We can keep it in that distant realm of childhood—in a time where we lacked the maturity and wisdom to know better. We can stubbornly refuse to be stubborn.

…Let’s go deeper

 

 

Have you ever wondered how things can be so complex? It’s amazing to me. We live in such a complex world. Some things I think about are beyond my understanding. But regardless of my lack of understanding of them, I have a feeling that at some point things become more complicated than they need to be. I feel like there’s a point where you tend to reach critical mass, and things can’t move much beyond that point without a massive paradigm shift.

One thing that fascinates me are the inner workings of my modern-day car. The technologies they use today aren’t nearly the same ones used in even the recent past. Today, we don’t just have Fuel Injection, but now we have Gasoline Direct Injection. What’s that? (Bear with me here. As I know this may not fall within the bounds of everyone’s field of interest, I feel it exemplifies a larger point.) Well, to answer the question, GDI engines, as they’re called for short, are engines where the fuel isn’t injected prior to the intake valve. The fuel is now injected directly into the combustion chamber. Not only that, but there is now a high pressure fuel pump which delivers fuel at pressures of 2500-2900 psi. That’s kind of like having a pressure washer running under your hood. Anyway, this gives a cleaner and more efficient burn. And each injection is more precisely controlled and timed with the movement of the pistons. All this in an effort to gain better fuel efficiency and more power from a smaller displacement engine.

But wait, there’s more. Now we don’t just have your ordinary automatic transmission anymore. Now we have dual-clutch transmissions. In levels of complexity, these transmissions (in light of the old ones) are like comparing a Ferrari to a horse and buggy. It’s now a mind-boggling intricate dance between a labyrinthine mess of gears which is very difficult to grasp. I watched a YouTube video on it, and I still don’t understand it. A torque converter? Ha! No need for that anymore. Everything is now direct drive. Two input shafts: odd-numbered gears controlled by one, the even-numbered by the other. When you sit at a stop light, there is still a spinning shaft; it’s just not engaged. With a conventional transmission, when you were sitting idle the torque converter was always spinning. This was spinning against another plate, which spun the transmission fluid, which spun the other plate driving the drive shaft and, eventually, the wheels. But this resulted in a loss of efficiency. So, dual clutch is now the answer. It’s kind of the happy medium between a manual and automatic transmission.
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I suppose you’re wondering what my point is in all this. Well, my point is that all this massive increase in complexity has resulted, in my humble opinion, in what are only marginal increases in efficiency. To put it another way, it’s coming at a high price. I don’t even blame the car companies for this. A lot of these demands for increased efficiency are coming at them from the outside, being imposed on them by government fuel efficiency standards. In the process, they have pushed the technology to the outer reaches of its limits. But in my mind, it’s too complex to be practical. Does it work? Sure. Is it worth the higher probability of breakdown, increase expense of repair, and future likely headaches? I would say, “No.” But it’s a cost benefit analysis like anything else.
In a similar way, our lives have become much the same way. We have increased pressure on us—some self-imposed and some from the outside—which cause us to engage in this complex stress-inducing dance of gymnastic moves that would impress most Olympic judges. However, if we really sat down and calculated the benefit of getting only a few extra little things done in a day, is it really worth it? Is it worth the stress? The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself and your mental well-being. This was only a car I was talking about above. If any of these mechanical parts go, all you have is just a blown engine or a busted transmission. But there’s only one irreplaceable you. Give yourself a break. Prioritize. Get done what you need to and don’t get too excited about the rest. Best to keep your life free of ‘too many moving parts’.

…Let’s go deeper

Have you ever taken a vacation to some place nice—maybe, even, some exotic location that makes it memorable? It’s a nice getaway from the usual hum-drum of your daily life. It’s something to look forward to, a break from work, and a break from the usual. I’ve taken a few vacations like this. But the one thing I always find myself thinking at the end is: “I’m ready and looking forward to going home.”

I took one such vacation not long ago. It was a vacation to Hawaii a few years back. I had never been to Hawaii, so this was an entirely new experience for me. This was a full week in Hawaii in a nice timeshare property. I was with my brother and His family, who had been there before. We did many of the usual vacation-y things. We visited many of the local tourist sites. We spent a little requisite beach time getting mauled by the surf. Also, we went on a trail ride at a local ranch. My horse, I think, was a retiree from the Budweiser Clydesdales. Just kidding. No, he was big, though. He was actually a Belgian, so he was of the draft horse lineage. I don’t know that I was really controlling him, so much, as he was allowing me the illusion of being controlled. I could just picture him rolling his eyes and thinking to himself, “Look buddy, I’ve done this before. So, you might as well just drop the reigns.” He was a trained pro. He didn’t need my help. And he sure didn’t get too excited about much of anything.

With all the commotion of activities and different events, there was one seemingly innocuous moment that stood out to me. I believe it was in the airport where I overheard a tourist talking to a local Hawaiian who currently lived there. The tourist made the statement, “I would just love it if I could live here.” To which the local responded, “I’ve been living here ‘x’ many years and it’s not that great.” This person then proceeded to tell the visitor a list of items that might get them to rethink their plans for relocation.
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Anyway, I found this conversation interesting—one person’s perspective entirely different from the other. I guess the sentiment is true: ‘It’s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there’. I suppose those sentiments echoed my own. It was fun to see for a short period of a week’s time. But I was fond of my home. I liked where I lived. I had no inclinations for moving to Hawaii, no matter what it looked like, or how nice the travel brochures were. It still wasn’t home.

It seems inevitable: whatever time you may spend away from home—as nice as the location may be—it’s still not home. Home is home, regardless of what any other place may be like. As they often say, “Home is where the heart is.”

…Let’s go deeper

Things are happening. Things are changing. What’s going on? I don’t think you have to have any religious inclinations or an apocalyptic vision to see that we’re at a climactic point in history. So many things have happened in such a short period of time. How do we make sense of all this?

Think about this: How much technological progress have we seen from 1900 to today vs. the 1900 years before that? Also, think about how much technological progress we have seen just in the last 20 years? When we look at the progress, it’s not just the progress, but the rate of progress that’s so startling. It hasn’t just become faster, but exponentially faster. But that’s not the only thing that’s changed. We’ve gone through a lot of societal changes in a short time, as well. Things really changed in the 1960’s. There seemed to be a radical shift in attitudes and perceptions that culminated in a turning point. Things continued to change from that point until today. But now, within just a matter of a few years, we’ve seen very rapid change. Attitudes and perceptions on what constitutes morality have shifted dramatically. There seems to have been an almost wholesale shift—where it’s like you went to bed one night and woke up in a different country the next morning.

The difficult thing to accept about our society’s moral shift is the lack of discourse about these topics. It seems almost as though one side just unilaterally decided, “We’re going in this direction and we don’t care what the rest of you have to say about it.”—ignoring a huge swath of the population. I suppose that’s understandable if they thought one side didn’t have a legitimate argument. But it seems as though they never bothered to ask. It could also be that they didn’t want to engage in a debate over practices they couldn’t legitimately defend in the arena of ideas; just sidestep the issue by never engaging a dialogue to begin with.
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Unfortunately, this is the way of the human race throughout time. We naturally shun restrictions that are there for good reasons, to not only test the boundaries, but plow right on past them into oblivion. To be fair, those in the religious community should have been providing answers whether the movers of change asked the questions or not. Those providing the standard should take the stand in explaining why the standard is there. It’s something you can’t just allow to happen without any sort of fight. Those things you fail to fight for you tend to lose. What we’ve lost so far as a society is incalculable. It would be wise for us to pause and really see what’s going on. It would be wise for us to ask some prudent questions. It was G. K. Chesterton who said, “Whenever you remove any fence, always pause long enough to ask yourself, ‘Why was it put there in the first place?'”

…Let’s go deeper

Sometimes people paint things as absurd when they are really afraid of them. It’s a way to get somebody off the trail of the real issue at hand. The real issue isn’t you, or what you believe. The real issue is them, and what they believe about themselves. Criticism of others is a smokescreen to disguise their own insecurities.

Sometimes that’s the way bullies act. They make fun of you, or what you do, because it makes them feel better about themselves. Their own self-esteem becomes dependent on pointing out the failures of others. They pull themselves up by pulling down all those around them. Their success is built on top of the failures of everyone else—or seemingly so. When it’s all said and done, they don’t possess the self-confidence to go out and do what they criticize others for trying.

It can be easy, at this point, to think the critic has some valid points. But even if they make, what would otherwise be true observations, they’re not coming from a perspective of honesty. Their concern isn’t based on helping you to improve, but on helping them to feel better about themselves. The temptation is to take their criticism to heart. But here’s something to remember—their perspective is off. They have a skewed sense of reality. If they were really seeing things accurately, they would deal with their own deficiencies first instead of worrying about everyone else. But I suppose that’s why they do it: it’s easier to pick apart other people than to look at themselves.
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Another thing to think about: people’s natural inclination isn’t to approach from a point of understanding. They want to fit in, themselves, so they pick apart anything else that doesn’t fit in. The notion is that, by pointing out anything that doesn’t qualify as normal, they will fit the definition of normal by default. It’s a sensible notion, I suppose. However, it’s fairly certain that you could still recognize abnormal while being abnormal, yourself. It doesn’t absolve them of being out of the ordinary. Who said ordinary is something to be desired, anyway? If they want to be ordinary, then let ’em.

I suppose this is a grade school understanding of things. But the mindset of the critics remains the same, regardless. The critics don’t really change as we grow older. They just change tactics. What they might have accomplished with physical force in school, they now try to accomplish with words. But there are better things to be than ordinary: there’s also ‘extra’ordinary. Those truly great things accomplished in history have been largely done by those thinking outside the box. That’s sometimes the price to be paid for greatness. The person who points something out as absurd is usually being outdone by the “absurd” person doing them. I guess the bottom line is this: don’t feel bad when others criticize you; at least you tried to do something meaningful that’s worth criticizing.

…Let’s go deeper