Author: Bradley Kallas

I know that confidence can be a fleeting thing. One moment you have it, and the next moment you wonder where it went. You can see this being played out very vividly with most high profile athletes. Baseball players will end up in a slump for long periods of time, but it’s due in no part to their skill level. They are just as capable as they ever were. They didn’t lose any muscle mass that would cause them to totally fall apart. So, what’s changed? There’s only one thing that’s different from when they were batting .300 and catching every ball that came within their area code: They’re lacking confidence.

Confidence can be the adrenaline shot that’s missing when all the other components are in place. If you want to take a very prominent example—Tiger Woods has displayed a very stark contrast in having confidence, and then not having confidence. For a very long period of time, he was the greatest golfer in the world. He was so dominant that other players were intimidated by him. They just came to expect that when Sunday rolled along it was going to be Tiger Woods at the top of the leader board, and so did he. Or if he didn’t win, he would be right there near the top. But if you look at him in that first half of his career, it’s a much different picture today. He’s not only not dominating, but he even missed some cuts to qualify for tournaments.

So, what’s happened? Well, in my estimation, I think it just comes down to confidence. Certain things came along that didn’t just shake his confidence, but shattered it. Many thought, by looking at his early career, that he was on track to break Jack Nicklaus’ record of winning 18 Major championships. But like a train with a full head of steam in the beginning, the boiler broke open and he ended up losing whatever steam he had left. Certainly, he was on a roll in the beginning because the confidence he had just added to his belief in his ability to win. As clear as it is to identify someone with confidence who is successful, the importance of that confidence is just as clearly displayed by what someone looks like without it. No confidence = No success. If you are going to achieve a goal you have to possess a certain level of confidence in your ability to achieve it.
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As obvious as it may be to recognize when someone is confident, it may be easy to miss the importance it has played in their success. I don’t know of many people who are pictures of success who was a complete ‘negative nelly’. They are not only confident, but usually positive as well. They didn’t let their failures get in the way of them moving forward, and they used their past success to spur them on towards reaching their final goal.

…Let’s go deeper

On a recent visit, my Mom was riding with me in the car. As I was driving, she noticed my center console was stuffed full of receipts. She made an off-hand remark, “Oh, your Dad saves receipts too. Then later when he gets home he goes through them item by item to make sure it’s correct.” I responded jokingly, “Oh, so that’s where I get it from.” Only, I don’t seem to ever go through mine. He, at least, has a reason for keeping them. I don’t really know what my reason is. I guess I just keep them in case I should ever want to, which I never do. He’s a receipt verifier. I’m just a receipt collector. Hey everybody! Wanna see my receipt collection? I’m guessing maybe not.

Of course, this only illustrates how we do pick up certain traits and characteristics from our parents. And most of us pick up more traits from on parent than the other. This causes some to make statements like, “He’s his Mother’s son”, or “She’s her Father’s daughter”. These are just statements about how much a certain child mimics one parent’s characteristics. These things can even be humorous in the degree to which they’re true. The way we walk, the way we talk, and even the way we eat our food can be things we picked up from them. Not that any of those things are bad. But if we do happen to share any negative traits with them, we can be really quick to point to them.

It’s easy to cast blame for the way we are on someone else. It’s a pretty universal trait for us to point the finger of blame anywhere but on ourselves. And we don’t limit that to just non-family members. We include family too because…..well, they’re maybe just close enough to be culpable, or appearing to be. Maybe we can convince the jury because of our close relationship with the defendant. But even if we can get someone else to believe it, we will still have a hard time believing it ourselves. We all know, deep down, that we bear the responsibility for our own actions. Whatever proclivities we may have, although they could be loosely linked to someone else, are still under our own control.
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We have a responsibility to change the negatives about ourselves. Although we may have certain tendencies, no one is forcing us to do those things. If we are so ready to cast blame on our parents for the negatives, would we still be willing to give them credit for the good things about ourselves? So, maybe it all evens out in the end. And maybe it’s not Mom and Dad’s fault after all. Regardless of how we got to where we are, we should start with a clean slate. No one ever got very far in life with an attitude of blaming others. Take responsibility for who you are and who you want to become. As Harry Truman said, “The buck stops here.”

…Let’s go deeper

Blessing is something that we all hope for, but not something we all know what to do with when it happens. It kind of makes you wonder, “Didn’t you ever think ahead to how you would react in the event that you were blessed?” Maybe not. But I think what’s more likely is that people sometimes get so beaten down by life that they lose hope for that possibility ever happening. It’s not that they don’t want to be blessed, or look forward to that day happening; it’s just that they no longer think it’s possible, or even that they deserve it.

Sometimes the events that occur in our lives seem like a good indicator of what we deserve. But they aren’t always. If you’ve had a series of dire circumstances in your life, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a bad person. But it can seem like in these times that life is something that’s just happening to you rather than something you’re living. A steady onslaught of negative tends to do some damage to your confidence level. Maybe that’s why blessing is so hard for us to accept sometimes. But maybe I should define what I mean by ‘blessing’. Blessing can include, but is not limited to, some form of compensation for hard work and effort you put forth. It is a blessing to get paid for what you do. But when I think of blessing I’m thinking more about something over and above what you thought you had coming to you. It’s more than you ever thought possible. I guess that’s what makes it a blessing.

Other things are a blessing, like good health, and a place to live, and enough food to eat. Those things aren’t to be taken for granted. But sometimes there are things that happen that just come out of nowhere and just amaze you. And they just make you say, “Wow, I never expected that.” These are the things we should learn to accept as well. Many people will talk about how to endure through hardship, but not many people talk about how to accept a blessing. I don’t know, maybe people think, “I’ll worry about that when, and if, it happens.” But I think it’s important to know how to receive good things in our lives. I think it’s important to accept them and receive them with gratitude and humility. I even think it’s important that we keep our eye out for blessings. And it’s also important that we not think so little of ourselves that we can’t accept a blessing.
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There may be times when something comes along that totally takes us by surprise. We may think it’s too much, or our empathy kicks in and we are reluctant to receive it from the perspective of what it costs the other person. We might have this folksy Midwestern way of turning down a blessing—like when we go out to dinner with friends and just can’t let them pay the check when they tell you that they’re buying. Certainly that’s admirable in many ways. But maybe sometimes we just need to allow them to do it. Maybe we just need to learn how to say, “Thanks, you’re a blessing.”

…Let’s go deeper

 

Doing things with half the effort sometimes produces worse results than not doing them at all. Maybe that’s where the saying ‘If something’s worth doing, then it’s worth doing right’ came from. Can you imagine a football team that only ever played with a half-hearted attempt to win? Oops. Did I just describe your favorite team? Sorry, didn’t mean to rub it in. That can be hard to watch. If you see a person, or a team, giving less than their all, it can be a cringe worthy experience. You don’t like to see it. You would rather see them give it everything they’ve got and lose rather than see them just going through the motions at half speed.

There’s something about a half-hearted effort and what it says about the person: It denotes a lack of passion on the part of the participant. That’s probably the most objectionable aspect of these half efforts, besides the dismal results that they produce. And no one wants to follow someone who isn’t fully committed to their cause. If you give an obvious display of milk toast dedication to your cause, you will have a hard time gaining a following bigger than your last Tupperware party. And if you are less than excited about Tupperware, maybe no one would blame you. But there are much bigger, and more important, movements where it’s incumbent on a person to have the highest level of commitment. There are some things that are life-changing, not only for those involved, but also for those it helps.

Many people are committing their lives in charitable organizations to save the lives of people around the world. They are volunteering themselves with a whole-hearted devotion. Something like what a ‘Doctors Without Borders’ or the ‘Salvation Army’ does are filled with people who believe in what they are doing. And you couldn’t pay these people enough to do what they are willing to do for free, because they are committed to the cause. And you would probably be hard-pressed to find someone who is giving a half effort in these organizations. Because for them it’s about more than just a paycheck; it’s about making a difference in people’s lives. And it’s about making a difference in the people they care about around them.
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But maybe that’s what’s missing when people are giving half measures—a deep heartfelt belief in the cause. Maybe they know why they joined, but they don’t know why they’re still there. Maybe they need a reminder. It could just be that they’ve become complacent. Maybe they do believe in the cause, but they don’t fully realize how important that it is. Maybe they don’t fully see the difference that it’s making. Maybe they need a reminder that if they are just there giving half measure efforts that the results will be kind of like the football team doing the same thing: They aren’t going to inspire many people and they aren’t going to win many games.

…Let’s go deeper

I’ve heard it said that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. That translates into 3 weeks, so that’s a fairly significant amount of time. I guess that’s why we have such a hard time in forming positive routines. But the good news is that once we get through that 21 days, that task you’re trying to turn into a positive routine has a better chance of sticking.

But all of this doesn’t address the question of why we want to form routines in the first place. Well, one thing that routines ensure is that we live productive and purposeful lives. It gets us to do those things we wouldn’t otherwise do. Our job, for instance, is a routine. It’s a forced one. But it’s a routine we have adhered to just by showing up to work every day. The good news is that if we’ve formed a habit here then we can do it in other areas of our lives. The problem is usually that we just lack proper motivation.

Routines also keep us from frittering away our lives on meaningless pursuits. The things we set up as routines are usually the ones we designate as being important. We’ve made them a priority because we know if we are persistent in what we are doing it will lead to good outcomes. When we develop routines it means that we’re playing the long game. We’re thinking long-term. And that’s usually wise. We’re thinking about the future, because we’re thinking about where we want to end up and not where we are right now.
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Sometimes the term ‘routine’ can take on a negative connotation. Some people say it in the negative since like, “Oh, that’s so routine”. Here, in this instance, ‘routine’ just means boring. Well, they are right in that sense. Routines can be boring. They can be a contributing factor to the hum-drum feeling that we get in life sometimes. But routines aren’t to be dismissed, they aren’t to be discounted, and they aren’t to be taken lightly.

A routine is really just a commitment, but a commitment mostly to yourself. You’re making a promise to yourself in being committed to something great—to becoming something great. And it says something about your self-worth when you set up routines. You’re saying, “I’m worth putting in the effort that will produce these positive outcomes in my life, because I have value.”

If people call your routine boring, you can respond by saying, “Hey, it may look boring. But look where I am. This didn’t happen by accident.” Any amount of success has required some dedication at some point. That dedication most likely played out in the form of a routine. You thought it was important enough to be committed to this thing. And you also thought you were important enough to be committed to it.

…Let’s go deeper

I want you to imagine with me a world where no one was willing to help someone else at their own cost. You might say, “I don’t have to imagine. That’s kind of the world we live in.” Touché. Well, unfortunately, our world is that way to some degree. At least, it’s become increasingly so. We seem to have become more and more selfish in this modern era. Many have not learned the value of self-sacrifice. But there are still those willing to sacrifice for something greater than themselves. Case in point, would be the brave men and women in our U. S. military. They know that, at any moment, they might be called upon to give their lives for their country, or even their fellow soldiers.

But if you did imagine this world where everyone was so completely self-involved, what would it look like? Even if you allowed room for people to do some good? Say, people helped others, but they didn’t allow it to rise to the level of having to give of themselves. They might give their clothes to the needy, but it was all old rags that were ready to be thrown out anyway. Basically, it’s an ‘I’ll help you if it’s no skin off my nose’ type thinking. No one would stop to help a stranded stranger on the side of the road because it might slow them down in getting to their destination. It’s inconvenient. But that’s what helping someone else often requires—inconvenience. Because it’s not about you. It’s about them—and you putting aside your own needs for a second to think about them.
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See, if you’re not willing to help other people past the point of your own inconvenience, or your own detriment, that’s not good enough. The very definition of good means being good even at the expense of self. Sometimes truly being good requires self-sacrifice. Sometimes the situation demands it. And at some point or another in your life it’s going to demand it from you.

I know that using the military is an extreme example. But what about the rest of us? How much are we willing to give for the sake of someone else’s benefit? I think of this scenario of a world without self-sacrifice and I think of how dark the world would become. I think it would happen quickly. I think it would happen quicker than people realize. And, just as quickly, people would realize that ‘good’ without self-sacrifice isn’t good enough. There’s something that we inherently know, but we don’t always fully realize. We know that we’re on this big ship together. Part of the reason we were placed here is to help other people. And helping others doesn’t just say something about them, and their value—it says something about ourselves.

…Let’s go deeper

Did you know that each engine of the Boeing 747-8 is attached to the wing using only 8 bolts? Yeah, I know, they should use more bolts, right? Like 50. At least, that’s how many I would want. Anyway, don’t be too impressed that I know that interesting little tidbit. I only know it because I recently watched a You Tube video on the manufacturing process of the Boeing 747-8. Quite an interesting little video. I like to watch things like that sometimes. Anything with aviation especially piques my interest.

The world we live in naturally piques our curiosity, and seeing the environment we live in automatically causes us to wonder how things came into being. When it comes to man-made items we look at them and wonder how the builder put it together. We like to learn about the process because much of it doesn’t seem possible. There’s even a TV show called, How it’s made. Each episode of this series will pick a certain product and go through showing you each step of the manufacturing process. Some items are more complex than you would think, other items aren’t as complex as you would think, and some items you just wished you hadn’t learned ‘How It’s Made’. Stay away from the ones on meat-packing. Just FYI.

But when it comes to our natural environment, we still have the same question and ask ourselves, “How did that come into being?” Looking at all the trees, foliage and wildlife—it all seems to have an order to it. They all replicate after themselves. It’s not random and it happens to be very complex. Science explains for us how a lot of things in nature operate and function. It gives us a pretty good approximation of how all the biological processes work. It does a pretty good job of this. But science sometimes goes one step further and also tries to explain how all these things came into being. This is where it struggles a bit. What science can accurately do is explain things that have already come into being, but it can’t really explain how it came into being.
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I think what good science recognizes is that there also limits to its understanding. As hard as they may try, there are still a lot of phenomena that it can’t explain. Some would like us to think they can, but it’s all just really theory. When science does this—if you call it science—what they are really trying to do is explain our universe within the parameters of natural forces alone. They don’t want this world we know to have to be explained by any external input. They would like it to not only be self-sustaining, but also self-creating. But there really is too much evidence that would contradict that idea. There is too much order for it to align with that notion, and there is too much complexity for it to align with that notion. The fact of the matter is, the ‘How It’s Made’ is still beyond our human understanding.

…Let’s go deeper

 

If you remember back to your school days, you will remember doing basic Algebra. You had to solve equations based on an unknown quantity. That quantity was often called ‘X’. You were given all the other basic variables, but you didn’t know the quantity of this one variable.

When I think of basic algebra, I relate that to how many people are living their lives today. They are going through their day-to-day existence—and some of them can be very happy for the most part—but they still can’t quite shake this feeling that something is missing. They don’t have a full and complete understanding of the whole equation of life—they’re missing a variable. And it’s not for lack of trying that people search for what that one thing is. They have looked in a number of ways to fill that unknown quantity. It’s one thing that their career was supposed to provide. They were supposed to get that fulfillment and sense of meaning from being an architect, or doctor, or even a social aid worker. (I mean, what could be more fulfilling than that?)

Some haven’t even tried to look there. They knew that wasn’t going to be enough to fill the void. They thought for sure that getting married and having a family was where it was at. The joy of having another person to share life with and then children to raise together was something that certainly would be the thing to provide that complete and total fulfillment. They would have not only the perfect job, but the perfect family to go along with it. This was the complete package in most people’s minds.
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This scenario seems compelling at first. I mean, what’s life all about if it’s not about family, a career that provides a sense of purpose, and even some good friends along the way? Certainly, those are noble and admirable aspirations and things to aim for. However, what many find is that they get to this stage in life and it’s still not quite what they were looking for. And its’ not that they don’t appreciate these things that they do have. They just know deep down inside that there should be something more.

That thing they are missing is ‘X’—that unknown quantity. It’s not something that’s provided alone by all the things listed above. It may even sound strange to suggest that family and friends aren’t the ultimate aspiration. While it certainly is a good thing, it’s not the highest thing to aspire to. And in fact, it works the best, in context, once you’ve figured out this unknown quantity. And unless you know this quantity, you’re equation’s not going to work. If you still have this feeling like something is missing, then you need to solve the equation. You may have thought you solved it, but you know you truly haven’t yet. If that’s you, then you still need to solve for ‘X’.

…Let’s go deeper

Self-reliance—that’s the buzzword that surrounds every successful businessman who we also refer to as the self-made millionaire, or multi-millionaire, or billionaire. They didn’t inherit their wealth. They didn’t have it given to them. They went out and made it on their own. Certainly, there’s something to be admired about that. It’s rooted in a belief in yourself and a can-do attitude. And the vision they had to see the possibilities was something that was unique to them in regards to whichever way they achieved their success.

On the face of it, the story of the self-made man is really compelling and easy to believe. We all look on in awe and admiration and think to ourselves about the strength that they must possess to have made it as far as they have and, ultimately, we see them as a role model for what we could become or aspire to be ourselves. And they did have to possess unique qualities to capitalize on certain opportunities. But, at the heart of it, I’ve always believed that to be something of a false narrative. Because no matter who you are, or how successful you’ve become, everyone has had someone help them along the way. It wasn’t just a one-man show. Whether it was a partner who helped them throughout, or multiple partners who helped them at different steps along the way, they all had assistance from somebody—somebody who gave them a chance, somebody who saw potential in them, and somebody who was a mentor to them.

If you’ve ever read any biographies about successful people, in the middle of their story you will also read another story alongside theirs, describing how they filled the gaps in the main character in almost a sidekick kind of sense. Steve Jobs had Steve Wozniak, Bill Gates had Paul Allen, and Warren Buffett had Charlie Munger. If you ask any of these lead characters, I bet they would tell you that they wouldn’t be where they are today without their sidekick. For whatever strengths each lead character had, they also had great deficiencies that the other one made up for. To me, these are the really inspiring stories—the ones where a couple, or several people, worked together as a team to achieve great things and make their dreams come true. The story of the lone ranger businessman—the one that often gets portrayed—is kind of a depressing one. Because even if that story were true, it would mean that they never learned to work with anyone else, they never learned from anyone else, and they were kind of an island unto themselves. They made it, but they made it at the expense of everything else. They made it at the expense of human connection.
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I think any true salesmen will tell you that at the heart of sales it’s really about one thing—people. It’s not about their product, their business, or even themselves. But it’s about making a connection with that other person. It’s really about helping that other person get what they want. And when you do that, you often end up helping yourself.

…Let’s go deeper

 

One thing I have great difficulty with is just stepping out of my comfort zone. It’s just not something that comes naturally to me. I’m pretty straight-laced, and if an opportunity comes along to do something a little different, well…I’m just not quick to jump on board. I’m thinking, “No thanks. Don’t want to risk it.”

I’ll be the first to admit that this isn’t always the best response. But whether I error on the side of caution or danger, there is balance to be had. I need to work against whichever tendency that wants to dominate my being. When it comes to getting to know new people, I really have to force my way outside of myself in order to make a connection with them. This can take a bit of courage. But what if you really worked hard at it? As Matt Damon said in the movie We Bought a Zoo, “Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it.” Great words of wisdom. If we were to really take those words to heart, I would wager it could be the difference-maker in our lives. Because, really, those times in life that require courage aren’t generally for long stretches. So, 20 seconds should about do it.
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The thing about comfort zones is that, in order to get out of them, you’re going to have to take a risk. You might have to take the chance at looking stupid just for the sake of not living a cloistered life. As Harry told Cole Trickle in the movie Days of Thunder, “Loose is fast, and on the edge you’re out of control.” You tell ’em Harry. What that sage advice from the all-knowing crew chief means is that you can loosen up the rear end of the car to go faster, but it means that you’re more likely to lose control of the car. And the tighter you are, the more control you have, but you’re going to be slower. But you’re not going to win many races with a slow car, are you? In that case, is loose such a bad thing? So, I say, “Let’s win some races. Loosen up a bit.”

What is with me and movie quotes today? Yikes. I need to read a book. Anyway, sometimes you gain insight from the strangest places. Having courage and being open to new experiences are the areas where we really start to engage, where we start to enjoy life, and where we become more than we thought possible. Put simply, ‘on the edge’ is where we’re really starting to live life. When we’re pushing outside of our own boundaries, we’re allowing room for mistakes, yes, but we’re also allowing room for great opportunities to happen. We might end up looking ridiculous. But what’s the real risk? Maybe the real risk happens when we’re not willing to risk anything.

…Let’s go deeper