Author: Bradley Kallas

I recently took on a project to build a table for my kitchen. It wasn’t something I tackled because I had experience with woodworking. It wasn’t even something I wanted to do at the time because I thought it would be fun. It was really a project I took on out of necessity more than anything. I needed a table for my kitchen. I also needed it to be quite large. As it turns out, it’s about 7 feet long. For the dimensions I was looking for, it was difficult to locate a table of that size. And if I did find something of similar size, it was often more than I wanted to spend. So, presented with that dilemma, I thought, “I’ll just build it myself.

Building something from scratch is a learning experience, to be sure. There really are no outlines, no step by step instruction…it’s just, “Here are the raw materials. Have at it.” In the process of building this table I did learn there are certain things that require some forethought. It’s especially true if you haven’t done this before. You need to decide ahead of time what dimensions you want the table: Height, width, length. Once that’s decided, you need to figure out how it’s all going to fit together. And to some degree, I did have the broad concept figured out in my head. I knew roughly how I was going to go about fitting things together—how to attach the legs to the base, the base to the table top, etc. But inevitably, as it goes on any foray into new territory, you run into something you hadn’t anticipated.

As I was going about the process of putting the table top together, I realized that I didn’t really quite know how to make it work. I spent several minutes contemplating the best way to go about it and still came up blank. Faced with this roadblock, I finally realized the best person to ask. So, I just said within myself, “Jesus, you were a carpenter. How would you go about this?” It was only a few minutes later that the answer suddenly came to me. And it was like an ‘Ah ha’ moment. It was all so clear now. I now knew how to proceed with the project, which helped bring me to the final point of a finished product.
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What this experience showed me was…a few things, really. My own human knowledge is very limited. I only know so much. In fact, I am often reluctant to admit how little I know. The other thing it showed me is how reluctant I am to ask for help. I suppose for most of us that comes down to pride. It can also be due to the fact that we just become so accustomed to doing things on our own. Knowing these two things, it makes me realize how much we are trying to direct our own lives most of the time. We are trying to take the driver’s seat when we are often the worst drivers. There’s a much better driver available. God is available and waiting to direct our lives. He’s ready and waiting to give us advice if we’ll just ask Him. And His advice isn’t just limited to carpentry.

…Let’s go deeper

 

You might be surprised to know that I don’t believe the most expensive option is always the best. You might be thinking, “Duh, no kidding. You want to buy the best you can afford.” Right. But what I mean is, even if I could afford the most expensive option available, I place a premium on getting the most ‘bang for my buck’. For me, value is the most important consideration when I buy something.

Maybe that doesn’t make me all that unique. There are probably a lot of people like that. I think there’s a sense of satisfaction that comes with knowing that you were frugal, and practical, while still getting what you wanted. Some people might mistake what I’m describing for being cheap. OK, I’ll confess, I’m guilty of that sometimes. However, there are times where I will dole out the dollars for something nice because I just feel that it’s that important. If you see me driving around in the car pictured above, you can call me cheap all day long and I would maybe deserve it. There are certain extremes you can go to in anything. However, it all gets down to motives. You could drive the car pictured above simply because you like it. It’s just what you need and nothing more. It’s simple, and sometimes that’s the best.

What I’ve found true about myself is that striking the perfect balance between quality and price is a gratifying accomplishment for me. Outside of that scenario, I’m prone to buyer’s remorse. I can err on the side of being too cheap and I’ll think, “Oh, I wish I would have bought something a little nicer.” Then I can err on the side of spending too much and I’ll think, “I wish I wouldn’t have spent so much money.” It’s that sweet spot in the middle where I say to myself, “Well done, sir”. And it’s that sweet spot that I aim for every time, a.k.a. ‘value’.
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See, I may not go home with the absolute best, and that’s OK. I may not go home with the absolute cheapest, and that’s OK too. It’s that knowing that I went home with the best option for my money that makes me feel that I’ve done my due diligence. One thing that finding value lets me know is that I was responsible with what I have been entrusted with. But mostly, I think that I just find it inherently gratifying. It makes me appreciate my purchase all the more. It’s not just the enjoyment of that item itself, but knowing that you got value and recognized its value that makes it rewarding. That’s probably why so many stores have sales even though they aren’t really marking things down that much. They probably mark up the price of items to factor in sale prices anyway. But for some reason, it makes us feel better. At least we feel like we got the best option for the money. At least we feel like we attained that ever-elusive happy medium called ‘value’.

…Let’s go deeper

Friends and family are valuable additions to one’s life. No man is an island, as they say. Sometimes we do just feel like being alone, but going through life as a lone ranger wouldn’t be the enriching experience that life is meant to be. Our lives are made better by the help and support we give and receive as family. Even though we didn’t choose them as family, we grow to appreciate them more as that connection grows deeper. There’s that saying that goes, “You’re stuck with your family, but you can choose your friends”. While I suppose there’s an element of truth to that, I’m less convinced of it than I used to be.

What I’ve found true in my own life is that those truly meaningful and lasting friendships aren’t easy to come by. Getting to a point where you get past the initial personality barriers takes some effort by both parties. No one wears their emotions on their sleeve. They reserve those things for people that know them best. The people that have taken the time to get to know you have earned the right to become your confidants. And that’s partly what makes those relationships so valuable. Knowing that they don’t come easy places a premium on having those people in our lives.
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When I say you’re stuck with your friends, maybe ‘stuck’ is the wrong word. I think what appears to be a choice on my part was really an act of divine providence intervening in my life. I believe God wanted to provide me with the type of friends I needed the most. At times, you may be tempted to think, “How did I become friends with them? If I were to pick a group of people out of a line up, I probably wouldn’t have chosen them.” But maybe that’s a good thing. Even in times of frustration, you realize that your friendship is based on some common interest, and a shared history. There’s some connection with that person that is maybe even outside your own understanding.

I guess, in a way, friends are an extension of family. Maybe that’s why we don’t really choose them either. In fact, some that have had difficult or broken family relationships are left with their friends as the only family they have. The two are one and the same. Maybe you have a ‘brother from another mother’, or a ‘sister from another mister’. Those are the ones you consider on the same level as your family—minus the blood relation part. That’s really the ultimate compliment you could give someone. If you have a few friends like that in your life, I guess it’s not so bad being ‘stuck’ with them. Maybe you didn’t actually choose them. And maybe it’s a good thing that you didn’t. After all, what do we really know anyway?

…Let’s go deeper

What’s obvious in life is that experience is sometimes the best teacher. And this, inevitably, is the advantage that our elders have over us. It’s not always that they’re smarter. They’re just more experienced. I think that’s how parents manage to maintain an air of erudition that isn’t necessarily due to knowledge.

When thinking about my parents raising me, and how they went about it, I think about how they always seemed to know the right thing to do. They seemed to have foresight in certain areas that made one think they had some special inside knowledge. The age that I am now is within the range of my parent’s age when they were raising me. I remember the deference I often showed to my parents due to the fact that they had a pretty good track record of being right. I also just assumed they knew something I didn’t. But now I’m thinking, “Wait a minute. If all my parents knew when raising me is similar to what I know right now, then they didn’t really know all that much.” But they sure acted like they did. Oh….well played Mom and Dad. I thought there was some special school they attended to learn all they needed for parenting. As it turns out, there isn’t, unless you count the school of ‘hard knocks’. Ultimately, I believe that’s what led to the culmination of most of their needed skills for parenting.

What Rush Limbaugh refers to as ‘seasoned citizens’ is a most apt description for those approaching their later years. Time and experience have the ability to be some of the greatest teachers. This realization doesn’t change my opinion on whether listening to my parents was the right thing to do. It just changes my perspective a little. It doesn’t change my feeling that they deserve my respect. Actually, it might make me respect them more. Knowing that there isn’t a written set of instructions on how to raise your kids, and doing it anyway, takes some courage. They might have been terrified at times about whether they were doing it right, but they did it anyway. And while they didn’t do everything right, they were just doing the best they could. Really, that’s all any parent can do. And that’s the best any kid can hope for.
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Maybe Mom and Dad didn’t know everything. But I think it was nice, even for a short period of time, to believe that they did. There was something about that belief that gives you a sense of security as a kid. But eventually you have to grow up to see the world as it really is. You grow up so you can provide that sense of security for someone else. It may be a brief moment in time, but it’s valuable nonetheless. Eventually we all realize that we’re all just fallible human beings. And in a way, I guess knowing that we’re all in the same boat provides a sense of security in itself.

…Let’s go deeper

There are a lot of statements I hear that make me shake my head in disbelief. They might sound good at the moment, but really, they don’t stand up in the face of logic. The statement, ‘What you don’t know can’t hurt you’, if it were true, would make the acquiring of knowledge a moot point. If that statement were true, then why spend all those years learning all those things you didn’t know?

The truth of the matter is, what you don’t know can most certainly hurt you. There are many things I’m glad I know just for the simple reason that, if I didn’t, I would be in a world of hurt. Our schooling is meant for the purpose to send us out into the world well-equipped to be as successful as we can be. The ‘ignorance is bliss’ school of thought is as short-sighted as the people who subscribe to it. If that were really true, I would be best served by remaining as ignorant as possible. And admittedly, in some ways I am ignorant. But it’s that understanding that at least allows me to realize that I need to begin to learn something. It’s the idea of knowing what you don’t know. For some people, they don’t even know what they don’t know. Put more simply, they don’t know how much they don’t know.

An extreme example would be someone, with no training whatsoever, watching a doctor perform brain surgery and thinking to himself, “Well, that doesn’t look so hard. Maybe I can jump in and help on the next surgery.” For someone to think that to themselves would only illustrate how little they know about the whole process. They don’t know the years of training required, the vast amounts of knowledge that doctor had to digest, much less the skill required to do the job. In this case, what that person doesn’t know would not only hurt them, but the person needing the surgery. I pity the patient who would be subjected to that person’s scalpel.
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The fact of the matter is, our well-trained doc who went through the training and hard work to become a skilled surgeon is also not likely to take that knowledge lightly. He’s also not going to take the responsibility that comes with it lightly. He understands that his training had a purpose. It doesn’t just happen. There’s a value in knowledge obtained. And what he learned to do, he also learned to put into practice. His knowledge wasn’t just some intellectual feather to put in his cap. He learned it for the practical purpose of doing it.

As for the, ‘ignorance is bliss’ ideology, I’m glad my doctor doesn’t believe it. And I shouldn’t believe it either. The weight of responsibility to do what I know shouldn’t scare me away from learning more. Even if I don’t know it, I’m still responsible to learn it. Not knowing it doesn’t help me, I’m responsible regardless.

…Let’s go deeper

 

You know how you go through several iterations of what you want to say to someone before it comes out as spoken words? In conversation, there seems to be a mental process we all go through where we examine what we are about to say to see if it’s going to be taken the way we meant it. We want to make sure we say what we want to say, just the way we want to say it. We want to make sure it’s kosher. I call this a filtering process. For some of us this filter gets broken, or maybe it gets clogged from time to time. If you’re irritable, that can easily happen. For others, observing them in conversation, you might come to the conclusion that the filter might be missing entirely.

This mental filtering process happens so quickly when we’re in the moment that we may not be entirely aware that we’re doing it. It’s something we tend to learn with age. You learn to be cordial by taking the sharp edges off of your words. And sometimes the situation requires you to bring something to someone’s attention, but you can just as easily accomplish that with a verbal tap on the shoulder, rather than a punch in the gut. This is where some level of finesse in our words comes in handy. I know, for myself, I might find myself going through 4 or 5 iterations of what I want to say until I stumble upon the most palatable option for the other person to receive. I think, “Oh, I might not want to say it that way, or I think I might want to add a word here, or remove a word there.” And it’s interesting, just the slightest change in a phrase can change its meaning immensely.
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If some of you are thinking, “I don’t know what he’s talking about. I don’t think I ever do that when I’m talking to people”, well, you might be that person with the missing filter. To be sure, some people go through this process a lot less than others. I suppose it’s a matter of where someone’s level of sensitivity lies. But I do believe some filter is better than no filter at all. I think sometimes we can needlessly antagonize people and not even realize we’re doing it.

Choosing your words carefully can mean the difference between someone who understands you and someone who only thinks they understand you, but now they’re mad at you besides. It’s better to get it right the first time by saying what you meant to say. It’s that old saying, “Say what you mean, and mean what you say”. For others of us, we know we have a filter, but maybe it just needs a good cleaning. It’s been clogged up with a lot of gunk over the years. Maybe it’s time to rinse it out.

…Let’s go deeper

I heard about a certain professional fighter who had lost their first fight in a long time. In fact, this was the first fight they had lost since they had become a professional. This person was not used to losing. Not only had they had a long string of victories, but the manner in which this fighter won was astounding. Most of the victories were won in the first round. They were clearly a force to be reckoned with.

While this kind of record is one to be proud of, and was an ironclad indicator of their abilities in their chosen profession, there’s one problem I see coming down the road for this individual. What repeated success can easily lead to in all of us is pride. This fighter clearly knew how to win, but what would they do when they were dealt their first defeat? It’s tough to know how to deal with something you’ve never had to deal with before. As sure as can be, they eventually met with their first defeat. An interview with them after the fight was a telling indicator of this person’s mindset. In that interview they gave a full-disclosure confession that they had contemplated suicide after their first loss. That one statement told me a lot about what they thought about themselves, and the world at-large. I could tell that their entire personhood was wrapped up into what they could do as a fighter. Their entire sense of self-worth was based on this one aspect of their life.

This is what I call a performance-based persona. And to be fair, this fighter isn’t the only one. There are a lot of us out there with this mindset. We think, because of how we were brought up, what someone else told us, what society has told us, or what we’ve told ourselves that we’re only as good as our latest success. If we’d take some time to examine this a little further, we could see how deep this fallacy runs. It’s a tempting ideology—seductive even. In our efforts to attain personal significance, we set up these barriers for us to surpass so that we can know we’re good enough. If I meet this personal goal, then I know I’m good enough. If I achieve this level of success, then I’ll know I’m good enough. And as long as success is our friend things can go along just fine—for a while. But eventually failure happens. Now what do we do? If I’m a success when I’m succeeding, then I’m a failure when I’m failing, right? And for most of us, failure isn’t that foreign to us. We go from success one day, to failure the next, and the process keeps repeating itself. So, what kind of roller-coaster ride does that put us on? What does that do to my feeling of self-worth?
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See, while this can seem to be the right way to think at first, it’s the entirely wrong mindset to have. You need to come to the understanding that your value isn’t confined to your performance. While having high goals and achieving great things are admirable, they aren’t meant to be a determinant of how you value yourself. You are valuable because of your uniqueness as an individual, you’re valuable because of the people in your life who care about you, and you’re valuable because of whose image you were made in.

…Let’s go deeper

Sometimes you don’t get what you want because you don’t know what you want to begin with. So, we end up frustrated at our results when the desired outcome was never clearly stated. I’ve found myself in this position before. That’s why knowing what you want from the beginning can be so important.

It’s commonly known that we don’t always get what we wanted out of life. But in certain situations we don’t get what we wanted because we never had a specific thing in mind. In that instance, the blame usually lies with us. To be honest, I rarely do this. I’m more the type of person that doesn’t know what he wants until he sees it. But in that case, no one could ever be faulted for giving me something I didn’t want because how could they ever know? When I walk up to the counter at a fast food restaurant they will usually ask what you would like. If I say, “I don’t know”, they can’t be faulted for handing me a chicken sandwich. I didn’t really give them a lot of direction with my answer. Of course, if I give that kind of answer, I would imagine it would be met with a look of confusion from the person behind the counter.
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Sometimes for fear of making the wrong decision we will put off making the decision so that the decision makes itself. That way it’s not our fault for making a bad decision. This doesn’t always work to our favor. Even though we didn’t know the right decision to make, we think we have the right to state that the results weren’t satisfactory. But where we don’t direct our lives, things can sometimes go awry. It’s kind of like letting a ship steer itself and then being surprised when you run aground. If you don’t state what you want from the beginning, you have no right to complain about the outcome.

Outcomes can’t always be controlled. But we always have control over our decisions. If I am clear about what I’m aiming for, I may not always hit the mark, but I’ll at least know when I’ve missed it. Sometimes it’s important to do an internal inventory to figure out what you want your end results to be. It can be the case that we find ourselves, years down the road, and looking back wondering how we got to where we are. And it’s because we weren’t clear about our direction from the beginning. We took a hands-off approach to life and we ended up getting some hands-off results. Being intentional in our life’s direction aims us in a certain direction. And it’s the little everyday decisions we make that help get us closer to that destination. If we have no intended destination, we won’t know what direction we’re going, or know when we get there.

…Let’s go deeper

I think having dreams is one of the most important things there is in life. If you don’t have dreams, you don’t have vision. Without a vision, there’s nothing to shoot for. But just as important as having the dream is having the action to go along with it. You need to give legs to your ideas. You need to have the intestinal fortitude to see your ideas through to the end.

I’ve seen a lot of dreamers in life. I’ve also seen a lot of people of action. But I’ve got to be honest. I rarely see the two go together. Some people have the biggest and most wonderful dreams of what they want their life to be, but all they ever end up being are just ideas in their heads. To have ideas that are never given life is like a think tank in Washington D. C. whose policies never actually get implemented. All that time spent on coming up with ideas was for a reason. Reverie is an important thing. It can generate that spark of an idea that becomes huge and is a turning point in someone’s life. An idea in your head that actually becomes something real and tangible is that creative ability that all human beings possess. That’s what we’re all meant to do. That’s what we’re all meant to be.

On the flip side, there are a lot of people of action. They aren’t afraid of setting out and doing things. But the problem they have is they don’t have any ideas to act on. They haven’t actually spent the time to develop an actionable goal. They have 100 pounds of action and 2 ounces of vision. It’s probably the case that the dreamers get a bad rap mostly from these people of action. They see a dreamer who just sits there lost in thought over where they would like their life to go and think, “All they ever do is just sit there and come up with ideas.” But what they don’t realize is they’re just as guilty. They may be people of action, but they’re not going anywhere without a vision. They’re like a car just sitting there and spinning its wheels—spinning its wheels in the mud of mediocrity.
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And so we’re left with these two options: the dreamer, and the doer. But what if you took the third option and put the doer and the dreamer together in one? That would be a formidable force—someone who has a great vision, but is also willing to put it into action. But if you’re going to actually put your dreams into action, it also means that you’re dreams have to be tempered with reality. Your dreams have to translate some way into an actionable goal. It has to be doable to begin with. Otherwise, it’s a non-starter. But if you can manage realistic dreams and the action to go along with it, look out—that person might just change the world.

…Let’s go deeper

There’s a misunderstanding about someone who is truly humble. The person that doesn’t automatically strike back when provoked is sometimes mislabeled. They can be perceived as this person that has no backbone, when they may be the truly strong one. They may actually have more self-control than anyone else.

The person that shows humility and deference is sometimes assumed to also be a person who won’t stand up for themselves. But it is possible to be cool under fire and not get excited at the smallest slight. Nowadays if someone doesn’t immediately return an insult their street cred gets knocked down a few points. Maybe it’s because that kind of discipline is so rare, and is also rarely understood. Most people can’t relate to someone being that way, so they automatically think they must be weak. People wonder, “How can that person just stand there and take that?” I think many of us have a hard time picturing ourselves being able to do that. That’s why we immediately jump to the conclusion that they must be timid.

I’ve noticed in politics that sometimes a personality trait can be misread. Someone who comes across in this way is thought to be one that can easily be taken advantage of or be a push-over. But this can also give the meek person the upper hand because other people will underestimate them at the outset. The other side can over play their hand while the meek one unexpectedly ends up standing their ground.

Abraham Lincoln was known to be quiet. While he was quite a talker, he wasn’t known to be brash or condescending in any way. He had a mild-mannered persona that could have easily been misconstrued as weak. However, he was quite the savvy political operative. He was able to work to find common ground on issues and still stand his ground when he needed to. In fact, he admired this in others as well. When asked what it was he liked about his General, Ulysses S. Grant, he responded by saying, “He fights”. What he possessed himself was something he recognized in others. Although strength can display itself in people in different ways, strength is still strength. Sometimes it’s just an internal strength that runs through their core. It’s not always an overt display of strength by a loud and brash personality that possesses strength.
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It’s sometimes that meek and mild person that takes you by surprise. At first glance, you don’t see anything about them to make you think they would have the power to stand against adversity. But when the time comes where they have to face the resistance their strength comes out in amazing ways. In fact, you could argue that this person is twice as strong as the average person, or that loud and brash person. They not only have the strength to stand in difficult times, but they also have the strength to know when to use it.

…Let’s go deeper