Being of two minds

Having two minds about something isn’t a unique experience. In fact, it’s quite common. From the decisions we make to the answers we choose, the way forward isn’t always clear. And sometimes our emotions get involved and things just become a mess. We’re complex beings, to say the least.

How does one make decisions when we have these conflicting attitudes? If we didn’t know better, we’d think we have split personality disorder as a species and not just in rare individual instances. But usually it’s not a matter of our individual mental health, but, unfortunately, just a matter of the human condition. It’s inherent to the species. And internal struggles can be the worst kind to face. Two competing ideas fighting for supremacy within the small confines of our own mind. A civil war, of sorts. It can be the worst kind of discomfort.

Sometimes, to forgo this struggle, we like to make decisions by letting decisions make themselves. We just wait long enough so that time and circumstance either force our hand, or a certain opportunity just times out, thereby taking the option out of the way. This can work sometimes; however, there can be a price to pay: the decision the universe makes on our behalf may not always be one that we like. And we find, in retrospect, some of the worst decisions were the ones we let make themselves. I understand. It’s a tempting option. We fear the potential regrets over a poor decision made, but we don’t anticipate the regret of not making a decision. There’s a downside to doing that as well.
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It appears tackling life head-on is the better approach rather than just letting it happen. In the first approach, life is something you’re living; in the latter, life is just something happening to you. In the first approach, you’re driving the car; in the second, you’re just the passenger on a roller coaster. These decisions we make on a daily basis are just a part of life. If you think about it, where you are right now in life is a culmination and reflection of all the decisions you’ve made to this point. And it’s also a result of the decisions we didn’t make, for good or for bad.

We can easily get caught up in decisions. We can over-think what we should think about less, and we can under-think what we should think about more. And in between, when we get stuck, we’re in the land of indecision until we find a way to get out. But we can learn to be more decisive. Mostly, I think we learn from experience how to make wiser decisions. We learn that decisions we deliberated over too much weren’t as big as we thought. We learn that decisions we made with the least deliberation were some of the best ones. Often we find that our first inclination tends to be the right one. We each have an internal wisdom we can tap into. It’s learning how to tap into it that’s the challenge.

…Let’s go deeper

Sometimes you just have to talk to yourself

It’s important to talk to yourself sometimes. I mean, I know it sounds crazy….and even looks crazy. But you can do it without actually looking crazy; you can do it internally. If you use your internal dialogue to talk to yourself no one will be the wiser. It’s sometimes this internal dialogue that’s necessary to build ourselves up. While we might lack the external encouraging word from someone else, we can always give one to ourselves.

In the realm of psychology, talking to yourself can easily cross the line into insanity. In fact, it’s kind of epitomized by this one quirky trait. Any movie you’ve ever seen featuring the mentally ill shows people in the mental ward talking to themselves. I suppose that’s why it’s not something we try to emulate. But it brings up an interesting point. While these unfortunate persons might have suffered some kind of mental break, you wonder if this dialogue with themselves is somehow therapeutic. Like, maybe it’s a natural result of whatever mental trauma they’ve suffered. Our bodies and minds have interesting but natural ways of working out and resolving the problems we’re currently facing. A person who feels as though they’re not being heard may resort to talking to themselves just for the sake of being heard by somebody, even if that somebody happens to be themselves. I suppose there’s something comforting about talking to a person you know will listen and won’t reject you. Sometimes the best therapist is the one in your head.
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But lest you think this activity is only reserved for the person who has lost touch with reality, you should know it’s a common practice in sports psychology. Positive and reinforcing self-talk has been used to help the performance of athletes across a broad range of sporting activities. This practice has some kind of effect on our deep inner self. It changes a perspective that can become damaged by the relentless influx of negative reinforcement. If you think about it, the mental pressure of persisting in a competitive environment can be overwhelming. You need that positive voice to keep you from folding under the pressure. And the coach on the outside can’t make a dent if we won’t listen to the coach on the inside. Unfortunately, failure is usually preceded but the perception of failure. It’s something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Belief in ourselves backed up by words confirming that belief has a way of changing our reality.

This self-talk can look differently for all of us. It’s up to us how we do it. But one thing is certain: we have to learn to be our own best friend, instead of our own worst enemy. The problem isn’t always that we don’t talk to ourselves, but that we do talk to ourselves in such negative ways. We give into the idea that we are merely a sum total of all of our failures. But that’s not the truth. We learn part of who we are in how we respond to failure. And it’s by talking to ourselves in reinforcing ways that we learn to pick ourselves up again.

…Let’s go deeper

A good manager equips the ones he commissions

Giving a subordinate a task without the skills and tools to do so is a sign of a cruel manager. If you task an employee to dig a hole to plant a mature tree that requires a hole 5 feet deep and give him a spoon to do it, it’s not going to go well for him. I suppose that’s why a military drill sergeant gives you a toothbrush to clean the bathroom; the intention here is to punish the person given the job. But those given charge over you don’t do this if they want you to be successful. They make sure you have the right tools going in.

If you feel like you’ve been assigned an impossible task, it can be intentional with some people. They want you to fail. But you can usually tell those who are on your team and those who aren’t. Sometimes you get bosses who dictate your job to you without telling you how to accomplish it. And they don’t really care. They just want you to get it done. They don’t think about the complexities of doing the job or what it requires. This tells you a couple things: 1) They don’t have much concern for you as an individual. 2) They’re not really invested in what you’re doing. I’d say this is a telltale sign of a bad manager. These are the same types who shake their head at you in disbelief when the entire project implodes and the walls come crashing in on you. Not only do they not feel compelled to give you the tools to succeed but they reserve the right to blame you when it fails. Put simply, they’re not doing you any favors.
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However, I’ve had employers who are the exact opposite. They take care of their employees and they care about what you’re trying to do. They even care about your success within the organization. They’re invested in you. They ask you what you need to succeed and, within reason, try to make sure that you have it. These are the good managers. They know, in part, that your success also means their success. It’s a team effort, so to speak. They don’t give you anything that they know you can’t handle. In some respects, the task they give you is a vote of confidence in your favor.

The best leaders know that leadership is done by example, and they don’t ask their subordinates to do anything they wouldn’t be willing to do themselves. It’s these types of leaders who inspire those beneath them. The servant gladly does the task just due to the respect they have for their leader. Working for someone you know cares about your well-being can make all the difference. But when it seems like they don’t care, your motivation and moral tend to reflect that reality.

…Let’s go deeper

It’s about asking the right question

One thing I’ve learned through experience is that sometimes we’re trying to ascertain the right answer when we’ve failed to first ask the right question; So, it’s not actually a failure to come up with the right answer, but we weren’t asking the right question from the outset. Working so hard to find the answer to an important question in your life tends to lead a person to view the question as working against you. Questions appear to be the enemy when, actually, they can be your greatest friend.

I’ve been in conversations with a friend recently where he is in the midst of making some important decisions. I’m not able to outright tell him what he should do—as I don’t know for sure what he should do—or even tell him things he doesn’t already know, but one thing I can do is ask him some really well-placed questions. I’ve noticed that sometimes because we’re too emotionally invested, or afraid to ask the right question, that we tend to dance around the question we’re actually trying to answer. It’s this nervous tap dance we do that keeps us from arriving at the answers that elude us.

Friends can be valuable sounding boards in this area; they see the situation more objectively than we can. We tend to develop blind spots where our own circumstances are concerned. This isn’t intentional, of course. We don’t always consciously decide to ignore some realities. But the pain induced by some of them cause us to overlook or repress the truth. What we want to do doesn’t always align with what we’re willing to do. It’s here that we come to a crisis of faith (so to speak) in terms of the actions we’re willing to take. And we’re really only answering the question about what we want to do when we should be asking the question about what we’re willing to do.
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Life hands us some interesting forks in the road at times. How do we approach them? Well, wisdom dictates that we engage in a calm reflective manner to get a good read on the situation. We need to first know what we’re dealing with in order to know how to deal with it. The downside is that this might lead to a scarier answer, but the upside is that it will lead to a more accurate answer. In this way, we know that we’re facing the problem head-on and not side-stepping the issue.

The enlightenment achieved by employing this method can easily be underestimated. We don’t always know the answers we’ll come up with when we face the problem by employing the unvarnished truth. Failing to come up with the right answer can be frustrating. However, the solution is clear: If you find yourself continually coming up with the wrong answer, go back and see if you’re asking the right question.

…Let’s go deeper

It’s all a conspiracy

I’ve seen my share of conspiracy theories. I admit, I’ve even gotten wrapped up in some of them. The unfortunate reality is that some conspiracy theories are actually true. However, many are not true—at least to the extent that some people want them to be. And some theories are just completely nuts. But it’s in weeding out these things where we learn to distinguish reality from fiction.

Conspiracies have a seductive nature about them; they compel you to think that you know something that no one else knows. It’s like some inside information you’re being let in on because you’re special. Or knowing it at least makes you feel special. And, in the end, I think that’s part of the trick or appeal to it all. When considering conspiracies you also have to consider the source. Theories sourced in a trusted friend bear more weight than one born out of an insane asylum. But the scariest source of most conspiracy theories dwell on the internet. The deluge of information on there can overwhelm the senses to the degree that you don’t know what to believe anymore. Confusion mounts as the rabbit hole you just entered becomes a maze from which you fear you might never escape. But there’s often no reason to fear because sometimes the conspiracy theories are not so much a rabbit hole as a magician trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat. It’s all smoke and mirrors which appear to be true but actually aren’t. The trick often is that the progenitor of the theory will put enough truth in there to give the appearance of being valid without any actual substance to back it up.
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That’s part of the problem: objectivity generally gets thrown out the window in favor of this idea that has little basis in reality. The truth is that thinking everyone is out to get you is just as bad as being naive to the realities of the world. It’s with time and experience that we learn to identify truth from error, and the essential from the non-essential. The problem with specious arguments is that without any further investigation, or any critical thinking skills engaged, they have the advantage of appearing true without actually being true. Sometimes we need to do a little investigation to discern the truth, sometimes we need to dismiss a theory out of hand, and wisdom lies in knowing the difference.

In the end, whether we landed on the moon, or not, and what’s all happening at Area 51 don’t really matter. They’re just interesting tidbits or factoids that don’t really register on the radar screen of what really matters. Some things will always be beyond our understanding, or our sphere of knowledge. Actually, in some sense we may be better off not knowing certain things. To a degree, ignorance can be bliss as long as the thing you’re ignorant about isn’t of central importance. There are many things we don’t know, but the truth is that they’re things we don’t need to know anyway.

…Let’s go deeper

Disagreements: part of a healthy relationship

I suppose disagreements don’t have the best reputation within the confines of relationship. But what if they’re a part of every healthy relationship; not just a part of, but an essential part of relationship. Healthy relationships contain a lot of aspects, but I don’t think this one that gets emphasized much. But is there maybe something to be gained in this wrestling over ideas.

In my naive understanding of relationships, I used to think people didn’t ever have disagreements in healthy marriages. Maybe some people still think that. But I’ve come to see it a bit differently. Maybe I should clarify before continuing. I’m not equating disagreements with arguments. I feel it’s an important distinction to make. An argument is one where two parties engage in a war of words but no resolution is ever made; a disagreement is where two parties wrestle over competing or contrasting ideas but come to some kind of agreement in the final solution. Do you see the difference? One involves two people working to validate their own egos—and attacking each other—without the goal of finding a workable solution; the other is two people wrestling over competing ideas—while still knowing they’re both on the same team—to come to solution amenable to both sides. And in the latter, the eye is kept on coming to that solution. Disagreements and arguments can look very similar from the outside, but they are actually fundamentally quite different. It’s really easy to conflate the two.

However, with this understanding of disagreements clearly laid out, we can begin to see some beneficial aspects. No two people completely agree on everything at all times, but two sides willing to be open to new ideas and seeing things from the other’s side have great potential in a solution and even in the creation of new ideas. Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison disagreed about Alternating Current and Direct Current, but we still use them both today. And because of them we know the upsides and downsides of both. (Maybe a nerdy example, but you get the idea).
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This wrestling over ideas, especially in marriage, can be painful at times. It’s not always pleasant. But it seems if you both keep your eyes on the solution, and don’t begin seeing each other as the enemy, that you have great potential for not just a successful relationship, but for constantly making forward progress. It’s within these internal struggles where you, in fact, learn something of the other party. It’s not just a learning about the topic of debate at the time, but a learning of that other person. You get to know something of their boundaries, their frustrations, their likes, their dislikes, and how they like to approach things. And in some ways the revelation you receive about them through these times is greater than anything you learned during the times of peace and quiet. Going along just to get along doesn’t always work; sometimes you need to just hash it out. And agreeing on everything just to keep the peace can actually work against you. In that, you’re actually dancing around the issue, but the issues still remains. It’s the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. But you know what they say about how you eat an elephant: one bite at a time.

…Let’s go deeper

RINO’s and CINO’s

There’s a phenomenon in politics where someone is labeled as something other than what they claim to be. It’s not a moniker to be proud of and is one that’s meant to be a verbal slight. On the Republican side, you have people who wear the big Republican badge but the substance is somehow just not there. They walk like Republicans and talk like Republicans but in true form they don’t act like Republicans where it matters most. Resultantly, they are labeled with the distasteful name of RINO (Republican In Name Only). The interesting thing is that those who wear this label are sometimes the last ones to know; they’re often unaware that they are this thing but it’s evident to all observers from the outside that they are this thing.

It’s true: in politics you have to take most things said, and especially name-calling, with a grain of salt. Each one will easily resort to a battle of words in order to further their cause even if there is little truth on which to base the claim. But in this area of not wearing with honor the badge of the party to which you claim to belong it seems to bear some semblance of truth. Whether it’s true of any single person doesn’t bely the claim that it’s certainly true of some. We repeatedly see politicians on the campaign stump emphatically proclaim their platform but then wilt like a flower when it comes to voting for and upholding those same principles. Unfortunately, it’s not rare. But there’s usually a price to pay for their flimsiness. Their re-election possibilities can sometimes become as flimsy as their principles. They might be able to skate by, but the more they refrain from drawing a line in the sand the more likely their supporters will begin to see them as not being in favor their interests.
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Of course, there’s a price to pay for standing firmly on their principles as well. Those who stand firmly for the principles of their party will face a lot of flack from the other side. Far from being RINO’s, they actually are what they claim to be. And that’s what makes them targets to be aimed at by the other side. But they don’t care. To them it’s a badge of honor. They say, “Bring it on.” Whatever they face in standing for their principles is worth the price. They know who they are and they’re able to live with themselves. The unfortunate side effect of being too wishy-washy in picking a side is that standing in the middle of the road causes you to be hit by both sides. At least in standing for truth you know what you’re standing for.

It’s as true in politics as it is in anything else: the proof is in the pudding. It can be hard to stand firmly on your principles. It’s tempting to waiver and even give in sometimes. But while the price of standing for truth isn’t a small one, we know that it’s a price worth paying. It’s similar to those brave souls who helped found this country and the brave men and women who still help defend it today; they don’t shrink at the notion of being a member of something for which they’re so proud to wear the badge. As the great patriot Nathan Hale so famously said, “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.”

…Let’s go deeper

True power can’t be understood until powerlessness is understood

Only a select group of people can be trusted with true power. Some don’t know what it’s like to bear the responsibility of power and can only see the benefits of holding that position. They don’t understand that it’s not just a responsibility, but a privilege. And they don’t know that all that power comes at a price. Until you don’t take it for granted, you can’t effectively hold a place of leadership.

Those places of leadership look so attractive until you actually have to hold one. Whether you’re President of the United States, or president of a company, you quickly find that there’s more to it than spouting off orders to satisfy your every whim. You never get people to respect you by taking over and using the power for your own self-serving ends. The proper perspective on leadership is knowing that you’re there to serve and not to be served. But that aside, even the selfless person isn’t ready for that role until they have experienced the feeling of having lost all control of a situation. It’s that feeling that truly humbles you. It shows you that complete control is, at best, an illusion anyway. If you’ve ever lost control of your car on the highway, you know what that feeling is like. And it’s that feeling that prepares you so that when the opportunity for leadership comes it’s a humbling experience and not one that fills you with pride.
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There’s also something about the struggle to reach the top that keeps you from taking it for granted. If it were easy, you wouldn’t truly appreciate having attained it. Those many years of working menial jobs and doing thankless tasks are a proving ground for you to one day be a leader of people. I suppose that’s why no one starts at the top and has to go through years of toil to get there. And it’s those rare times where when a person falls into a leadership position that it can become a disaster. No one hands the car keys over to a baby. In like manner, no one hands leadership over to an amateur. They won’t truly respect the position. They don’t yet know all the dangers and perils involved. What the most skilled driver knows best is that even on the best days they still aren’t in complete control. I think any NASCAR driver would agree. It’s that feeling of having lost control that makes you see you’re not wielding power so much as working to manage it.

One of the most curious things about power is that it’s the opposite of what you would think: it’s only when you’re truly humbled by it that you know you’re ready for it. If it immediately swells you with pride then the reins should immediately be revoked from your hands. You have to understand and know what you’re dealing with, and you have to know that it’s not all about you.

…Let’s go deeper

Know-it-alls

Have you ever come across someone who acts as though they know everything? Knowing human nature, it’s probably safe to say that you’ve likely run across several people like this. It’s tough to believe someone actually knows everything. But if you don’t believe a know-it-all, just ask them; they’ll tell you. They know everything about everything, and even if they don’t know something, they would never admit it to you. And this is their Achilles’ heal. It’s the willingness to admit ignorance that opens a wealth of knowledge to your door. Because, sadly, once you know everything there’s nothing left to learn.

Maybe we should give the know-it-alls a break; we all have a reluctance to admit that we might not know something. We see it as a negative reflection of ourselves. I mean, if you just think back to sitting in the classroom, we all have that dreaded fear of being called on by the teacher and coming up blank. It’s that same look that the deer when your high beams are shining in his eyes and he’s about to dent your front bumper. And it’s that unenviable look of ignorance that causes us to flaunt what we do know and fake what we don’t. In that regard, maybe it sometimes goes back to our fear of being called on by the teacher.
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We fear stupidity but sometimes end up acting more stupid in the process. I’ve come to believe that stupidity is less a reflection of IQ and more a reflection of personal choices. Putting it more succinctly: stupidity is a choice. We all know that highly intelligent people aren’t immune to making stupid choices. On the contrary, maybe they’re more susceptible. Since they can’t be told anything, they can never be told when they might be going in the wrong direction on something. Part of wisdom is considering counsel from others rather than just dismissing it out of hand. The wise person doesn’t talk about all that they know because they’re acting like they know everything, but they talk about what they know when it applies and because they actually know quite a lot. And most importantly, they’re not afraid to listen to someone to the voice of someone other than themselves.

I wouldn’t worry about IQ so much; worry about how wise a person you are. The lowest IQ wise person is still going to be money ahead of the highest IQ foolish person. The two aren’t one and the same, but they don’t have to be mutually exclusive either. You can be dumb and foolish, and you can be smart and wise. But wisdom is principal. Start there and build your body of knowledge from it. It actually takes a considerable amount of humility to be an effective learner. In order to be taught, you have to be teachable. As any frustrated teacher knows, all are not teachable. But it’s the humble person who’s always in position to learn something new.

…Let’s go deeper

The value of insurance

In our insurance-minded society, it’s hard to imagine going without it. It never used to be the case. It’s something of a modern invention. If you go back in time you find that the further back you go the less prevalent the idea of insurance was. Certainly no one thought of it during medieval times. If your hut burned down, or your hay cart caught on fire, you were just out of luck. You couldn’t call Allstate or Farmer’s Insurance to bail you out. Of course, having insurance sets our minds at ease some; we don’t consider so much the possibility of a catastrophic loss. We just figure if something really bad happens, we’re covered.

In some ways the idea of insurance has been taken to the extreme. We insure against everything now. We don’t want to be caught shorthanded. Now, living a life without risk isn’t just a privilege, but it’s our right. Or so we think. We even insure our investments now. But something happens to your mindset when you insure everything; you entirely disregard risk as though it’s not even there. Guarding against risk by paying for it is kind of a new idea. But you can’t eliminate risk altogether. And sometimes in an effort to minimize risk you actually make it worse. But the prime attraction of insurance is that risk isn’t eliminated, but spread out across a large body of clients. And, unfortunately, in a certain way insurance has made us a bit overconfident; we think that, even though risk has been mitigated somewhat, we’ve eliminated it altogether.

This whole idea is partly what led to the housing crisis of 2008. The idea of credit default swaps was born as a way to insure against default on CDOs (a collection of Mortgage-backed securities—bonds—an investment vehicle), and especially on high-risk CDOs involving the now infamous “sub-prime mortgages”. Those who created the CDOs in the first place deemed them safe—even on the riskiest pool of mortgages—simply because these mortgage bonds were pooled together. In a way, by pooling these together, it was a type of insurance against the risk of loan default. So, now CDSs (Credit Default Swaps) were created for a select few who had little faith in these CDOs to insure them from the downside risk if one of them should fail. Which almost no one thought could ever happen. In a way, it was a kind of insurance on your insurance. And if some people need to insure their insurance, then maybe the first insurance isn’t so good. Or put another way: if some are insuring their investments, then maybe they’re a bit too risky. But this isn’t the worst of it. When you involve the implementation of mortgages with adjustable rates, of which a large number are set to increase at the same time, it’s a powder keg waiting to happen. Those select few who saw the mortgage bonds imploding and bought the CDSs won big, but the rest of the public were in for a world of hurt.
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To be honest, looking at all this in retrospect boggles the mind. I mean, what were they thinking? When you look at this now you think, “Oh yeah. What could possibly go wrong in that scenario?” <sarcasm intended> I guess I look at it this way: if the world economy had gone down, even those who bet against the housing market would have gone bust. But the bottom line is that you can’t insure against everything. And sometimes you’re taking insurance past the point of the purpose it was intended to serve.

…Let’s go deeper

Wang, Dan. (May 12, 2014). Collateralized debt obligations and credit default swaps. Retrieved from http://danwang.co/collateralized-debt-obligations-and-credit-default-swaps/