We often think of dependence as being a bad thing. And usually it is. But I think most of the time that’s because we’re just dependent on the wrong things. When you think about it, none of us are truly self-sufficient. We are reliant and dependent on certain things and people. What we rely on ends up becoming what we need.
I think dependence has gotten a bad rap. There are certain things we have to depend on. The fact remains that we aren’t as autonomous as we would like to believe. Using dependence as a pejorative term implies that we should be completely independent. Dependence becomes this negative thing when it’s constantly used in a negative sense. People use terms like ‘co-dependence’ in referring to relationships and it indicates that two people are dependent on each other for the wrong things and in the wrong ways. However, when we need that other person in healthy emotional ways, that’s not a bad thing. There are healthy ways to need someone else. There are other times when people become chemically-dependent, which means that they are addicted to some substance like alcohol or drugs. This ends up taking over people’s lives to where they are no longer in control of themselves. So, what they thought they could control ends up controlling them.
But if we think of dependence in terms of relying on someone it invokes an element of trust. To trust someone else, in balance, is a healthy thing. It takes a certain vulnerability to do that. If we admit we need somebody, it takes humility to do that. It can be a sign that we haven’t become the center of our own universe. To consider allowing someone else into our lives we have to also consider that we aren’t the be-all and end-all of everything. That doesn’t just apply to only close personal relationships, but also in the communal sense. To consider being a part of a community, you have to be open to new perspectives other than your own. When you do that, what that also allows is for you to feel connected to other people. You might feel a sense of being understood and also like you’re not alone in the world.
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The fact of the matter is that you aren’t meant to be enough all by yourself. We do need other people. I think our society has exalted the idea of independence to such a degree that we don’t realize that there is an element of dependence in true independence. To be completely independent would be sad and lonely, but it would also be chaotic. You wouldn’t see yourself in its proper context. You would have nothing to relate yourself to. There would just be nothing but you. That would really be the definition of pride. Because pride is an extreme focus on self. When you’re dependent on the right things, it actually makes for a better life—a richer life.