Do you have a missing filter?

You know how you go through several iterations of what you want to say to someone before it comes out as spoken words? In conversation, there seems to be a mental process we all go through where we examine what we are about to say to see if it’s going to be taken the way we meant it. We want to make sure we say what we want to say, just the way we want to say it. We want to make sure it’s kosher. I call this a filtering process. For some of us this filter gets broken, or maybe it gets clogged from time to time. If you’re irritable, that can easily happen. For others, observing them in conversation, you might come to the conclusion that the filter might be missing entirely.

This mental filtering process happens so quickly when we’re in the moment that we may not be entirely aware that we’re doing it. It’s something we tend to learn with age. You learn to be cordial by taking the sharp edges off of your words. And sometimes the situation requires you to bring something to someone’s attention, but you can just as easily accomplish that with a verbal tap on the shoulder, rather than a punch in the gut. This is where some level of finesse in our words comes in handy. I know, for myself, I might find myself going through 4 or 5 iterations of what I want to say until I stumble upon the most palatable option for the other person to receive. I think, “Oh, I might not want to say it that way, or I think I might want to add a word here, or remove a word there.” And it’s interesting, just the slightest change in a phrase can change its meaning immensely.
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If some of you are thinking, “I don’t know what he’s talking about. I don’t think I ever do that when I’m talking to people”, well, you might be that person with the missing filter. To be sure, some people go through this process a lot less than others. I suppose it’s a matter of where someone’s level of sensitivity lies. But I do believe some filter is better than no filter at all. I think sometimes we can needlessly antagonize people and not even realize we’re doing it.

Choosing your words carefully can mean the difference between someone who understands you and someone who only thinks they understand you, but now they’re mad at you besides. It’s better to get it right the first time by saying what you meant to say. It’s that old saying, “Say what you mean, and mean what you say”. For others of us, we know we have a filter, but maybe it just needs a good cleaning. It’s been clogged up with a lot of gunk over the years. Maybe it’s time to rinse it out.

…Let’s go deeper

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