It’s OK to build up someone’s self-esteem, but it’s not good to do that at the expense of the facts. That’s sometimes what we do when we try to make people feel better about themselves. This is what can happen when we go to therapists or use some kind of self-help. The effort is to get someone to feel comfortable and feel free to divest themselves of their problems. The problem comes, though, when we make them so comfortable to talk about their problems that we end up making them feel like they don’t have any.
The reality is, we have a boatload of problems. Maybe that’s the one thing we all have in common. We’re not OK, and that’s the point. The ‘I’m OK, you’re OK’ mantra was only meant to subvert the fact that we really aren’t ‘OK’. If my therapist told me that, I think I would be quick to say, “But I’m not OK. If I were, I wouldn’t need to be sitting here talking to you.”
The point is, we can help people feel comfortable and let them know they have a safe environment to talk about themselves, while at the same time calling them to get better—to be better. It’s OK to accept people where they are, it’s just not OK to let them stay that way. You could say that a friend loves you just the way you are, but maybe a true friend loves you too much to let you stay that way. We tend to think that if we are really friends with people then there shouldn’t be any confrontation or conflict—ever. However, there are times that if we are going to call people to a higher level, it’s going to require some uncomfortable conversations.
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Done in the right way, it doesn’t have to become a ‘fisticuffs’ situation. Because sometimes it can become this verbally even if it isn’t always physically. Our advice can sometimes be the verbal equivalent of punching someone in the face, and kicking them in the gut, and then we say in conclusion, “Feel better, my friend.” Not too helpful. You can still get your point across while taking off some of the rough edges. Words can wound as much as anything.
While we may not be OK as we are, we all have the goal of getting to that point. It takes each of us varying amounts of time to get there. And we all have different backgrounds, so that makes this more complex than any of us realize. We don’t have to be offensive to get through to someone, but we don’t have to live in a land of pretend like nothing’s wrong, either. There’s a middle ground where we can call people to a higher level, while not condemning them for where they are. Everybody has to start from somewhere. And all of us have to start from where we’re at right now.