Do you know the key to good social skills? No, really…..I’m asking. Ha—I kid. I have some social skills. They just may not be as refined as some. At least, that’s what my therapist tells me. But social skills are something of a necessary tool to have in your tool bag. Some people come by it naturally. Others of us have to work at it. Social skills are maybe one of those things we undervalue and, also, place too much emphasis on all at the same time. We undervalue it because we don’t understand the purpose that it serves; we overemphasize it because we are too concerned with what people will think of us. Oh, did I just say that?
In all honesty, it would be nice to dispense with all of the social protocol sometimes. I mean, why can’t we just talk to people without all of these barriers up in the first place? Just let your guard down and let it all out. At least, that’s what you think until you’re on a 3-hour plane ride when the person next to you proceeds to spill their guts and tell you their life story. It’s these times where we remember the value of having boundaries. You also wonder if you should make it clear you’ll be charging by the hour because, as far as you can tell, there’s no indication you’ll be paid for this session. But that tends to be what happens when people ignore the social graces. These kinds of encounters tend to push people away from each other rather than together. Those initial boundaries that normal social skills provide aren’t a barrier but more like a gate that allows entry when initiated correctly.
I suppose the problem arises, too, when we’re so concerned with societal procedure that it prevents us from ever entering the gate at all. Instead of getting to know people and the inner workings of their lives, everyone stays on the outside where it’s comfortable and safe. Far from telling our life stories and spilling our guts—no one tells any story at all. At least, not a personal one. Social encounter is treated like a shootout at the ‘OK Corral’: each person slowly saunters in a circular pattern directly opposite each other wondering who will be the first with the guts to draw that personal story out of their holster. Until then, the stare down continues—<tumbleweed blows through mid-scene> -AND CUT-
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I suppose it all depends on having the proper understanding of these sometimes dreaded social skills. See them as a gate rather than a barrier. Respect the other person’s space. Don’t unload on them too early and maybe they’ll respond in kind. Don’t despise social graces, but have a healthy understanding of what they are. Unfortunately, relationships don’t just happen. They take an intricate understanding of people and being able to read them. But they often start here, which is what makes skill with people so important. You don’t want to stay on the outside of the gate, but you have to at least start there.