I value someone with the quality of listening while conveying the perception that they understand where you’re coming from, whether conscious or unintended. It’s a matter of connection; it’s a matter of feeling like you’re heard. Otherwise, all this conversation is merely words being batted about without any reception by the listener. In such a case, we might as well keep our thoughts to ourselves. When we feel like we’re heard, then we feel like we matter.
Some people have this quality without realizing it; others have it and know it; yet others don’t have it, and don’t know it, and seem very far from ever gaining the ability. It’s an often overlooked characteristic, but one I believe essential to human connection. This ability is something, I would say, tied to our emotional intelligence. When we truly hear another person it evokes an emotion, and it results in an empathic response. You speak your mind, and the thoughts conveyed are received and processed, resulting in a responsive action by the other person. It doesn’t even have to be a verbal response. Sometimes it’s a head nod, or a look of sympathy, or a look of concern. I’ve noticed some people are just not very skilled at this. It doesn’t mean they’re bad or uncaring people, it just means that this area isn’t their strong suit. However, that makes it no less frustrating for the person wanting to be heard. And I suppose the fact that this would frustrate me at all also illustrates my need to feel like I’m heard by other people. But I don’t think I’m alone in this; I think it’s a universal human need.
I can speak to the value of being heard because, as much as I know and value of being heard, I also know what not being heard feels like. It’s the ultimate feeling of loneliness. It’s irregardless of being in the company of other people; you can be in an entire roomful of people and feel completely by yourself. That’s because this connection is not being made. Somewhere, somehow, even though you may be speaking, the feeling of alienation persists. For all the company surrounding you, you might as well be on a desert island as far as feeling like you’re connecting is concerned. I’ve been in this situation with people, even ones very close to me. I’ll be talking to them about something, and they’re a dead fish. I’m getting nothing from them but a blank stare. Do you agree with me, disagree with me, don’t care, or are you thinking about what you’re having for lunch? These are the times when you don’t even care if they disagree with you. At least they would be responding. Because it’s not always about someone agreeing with you or not, as long as you feel like they understand you.
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Getting feedback from someone can be invaluable. And it’s not even the feedback you receive that matters, but the fact that you received feedback that lets you know you matter. It speaks to us on a deeper level. It doesn’t just speak to the situation, but it speaks to who we are as individuals.