Disagreements: part of a healthy relationship

I suppose disagreements don’t have the best reputation within the confines of relationship. But what if they’re a part of every healthy relationship; not just a part of, but an essential part of relationship. Healthy relationships contain a lot of aspects, but I don’t think this one that gets emphasized much. But is there maybe something to be gained in this wrestling over ideas.

In my naive understanding of relationships, I used to think people didn’t ever have disagreements in healthy marriages. Maybe some people still think that. But I’ve come to see it a bit differently. Maybe I should clarify before continuing. I’m not equating disagreements with arguments. I feel it’s an important distinction to make. An argument is one where two parties engage in a war of words but no resolution is ever made; a disagreement is where two parties wrestle over competing or contrasting ideas but come to some kind of agreement in the final solution. Do you see the difference? One involves two people working to validate their own egos—and attacking each other—without the goal of finding a workable solution; the other is two people wrestling over competing ideas—while still knowing they’re both on the same team—to come to solution amenable to both sides. And in the latter, the eye is kept on coming to that solution. Disagreements and arguments can look very similar from the outside, but they are actually fundamentally quite different. It’s really easy to conflate the two.

However, with this understanding of disagreements clearly laid out, we can begin to see some beneficial aspects. No two people completely agree on everything at all times, but two sides willing to be open to new ideas and seeing things from the other’s side have great potential in a solution and even in the creation of new ideas. Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison disagreed about Alternating Current and Direct Current, but we still use them both today. And because of them we know the upsides and downsides of both. (Maybe a nerdy example, but you get the idea).
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This wrestling over ideas, especially in marriage, can be painful at times. It’s not always pleasant. But it seems if you both keep your eyes on the solution, and don’t begin seeing each other as the enemy, that you have great potential for not just a successful relationship, but for constantly making forward progress. It’s within these internal struggles where you, in fact, learn something of the other party. It’s not just a learning about the topic of debate at the time, but a learning of that other person. You get to know something of their boundaries, their frustrations, their likes, their dislikes, and how they like to approach things. And in some ways the revelation you receive about them through these times is greater than anything you learned during the times of peace and quiet. Going along just to get along doesn’t always work; sometimes you need to just hash it out. And agreeing on everything just to keep the peace can actually work against you. In that, you’re actually dancing around the issue, but the issues still remains. It’s the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. But you know what they say about how you eat an elephant: one bite at a time.

…Let’s go deeper

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