I have to admit, for most of my life I haven’t seen the value in small talk. I grew up thinking, “Why do people keep asking each other about the weather, or making inane statements about the football game last weekend?” I guess I just didn’t get it. I was kind of like…..I think it was Joe Friday on Dragnet, “Just the facts ma’am.” I didn’t need any of the fluff. And that was my approach to life.
As I got older I slowly began to realize that these seemingly meaningless remarks can have a hidden value and, at times, be quite valuable. The thing I discovered is that we all desire deeper, more meaningful, relationships with other people. However, we don’t ever start there. We start at a place more approachable and build from there. If we think back to where most of our meaningful relationships began, we probably remember some joke we made to break the ice, or a comment on a subject we had in common. Finding common ground is a normal way for us to connect with others.
If we think about it, in starting out a friendship or romantic relationship we don’t get into the deep waters right away. I guess, it’s probably best, when we’re on a first date, that we don’t begin with, “Let’s get married.” Besides the fact that it would freak out the other person, it’s also something you can’t possibly know yet. That’s because you haven’t gotten to know the other person. That always takes time. I guess the best things do take time. A farmer grows a successful crop over a number of months and through much hard work. He then reaps a harvest on that investment. I guess relationships are somewhat similar. We invest in that other person and reap the rewards of a meaningful relationship over time.
I now think about small talk in this way. I really see it as providing an inroads into another person’s life. It’s the open door to getting to know that other person. That’s where we have to start—at the front door. If we start out with the deep stuff, it’s kind of like breaking in through a window or maybe just knocking down the front door. I would say that generally that’s the case, although there are exceptions. But people don’t generally appreciate that. They’ll get offended or maybe just plain mad. So, now instead of a friend, you’ve made an enemy.
So, I would probably now say the opposite of what I used to say, “I’ll take the facts, but let’s start with a little bit of fluff.” I suppose it’s the seeming meaningless banter that causes the other person to slowly take down any walls, or just natural barriers, they’ve built up. This makes us more approachable, or unassuming. People will open up to someone with whom they can identify. I suppose the best way is to just put myself in the other person’s shoes and think about how I would like to be approached. That way I can maybe open a door that might otherwise stay closed.
How did Jesus approach others? He often told stories, or parables, as they’re called. Have you ever known someone who was a great story teller? They seem to be the people who are able to get everyone else to hang on their every word. People are engaged and open to listening to that type of person. Others may not receive all of what they say, but they usually have captured their attention. Great leaders are often great story tellers. Abraham Lincoln was known for his anecdotes. The great thing, though, is that what Jesus did was more than small talk. His stories were entertaining, but they also served a purpose. They were meant to provide illustrations to people so that they could understand spiritual truths.
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Here’s an example where Jesus approached a Samaritan woman at a well. John 4:7 says, “There cometh a woman of Samaria to draw water: Jesus saith unto her, Give me to drink. (For his disciples were gone away unto the city to buy meat.) Then saith the woman of Samaria unto him, How is it that thou, being a Jew, askest drink of me, which am a woman of Samaria? for the Jews have no dealings with the Samaritans. Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water.” When I think of the story of Jesus when he approached the Samaritan woman at the well, I think of how he approached her. He didn’t come to her and beat her over the head with some spiritual truth. He asked her for a drink from the well. This one small request provided the open door for Him to minister to her. That one request provided the open door to explain the spiritual truth of her life through a metaphor. Jesus was speaking to her about her spiritual condition, although she didn’t realize it at first. Jesus was able to just meet her where she was.
Proverbs 15:4 says, “A wholesome tongue [is] a tree of life: but perverseness therein [is] a breach in the spirit.” We don’t always have to be deep to have an impact on someone’s life. Sure, we would like to get there. But just starting out with a pure, positive word is a great place to start. We don’t always know how some of the most seemingly simple statements can have a positive impact in someone’s life.
Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken [is like] apples of gold in pictures of silver. [As] an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, [so is] a wise reprover upon an obedient ear. As the cold of snow in the time of harvest, [so is] a faithful messenger to them that send him: for he refresheth the soul of his masters.” This is how I see Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman. I see Jesus as providing ‘a word fitly spoken’, a ‘wise reprover upon an obedient ear’, as a ‘faithful messenger’.
John 4:7 says, “There cometh a woman of Samaria to draw water: Jesus saith unto her, Give me to drink. (For his disciples were gone away unto the city to buy meat.) Then saith the woman of Samaria unto him, How is it that thou, being a Jew, askest drink of me, which am a woman of Samaria? for the Jews have no dealings with the Samaritans. Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water.”
Proverbs 15:4 says, “A wholesome tongue [is] a tree of life: but perverseness therein [is] a breach in the spirit.”
Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken [is like] apples of gold in pictures of silver. [As] an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, [so is] a wise reprover upon an obedient ear. As the cold of snow in the time of harvest, [so is] a faithful messenger to them that send him: for he refresheth the soul of his masters.”